Archive for January, 2013

    

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

Lolita Lebron

On March 1, 1954, four members of the Puerto Rican Nationalist Party walked into the visitor’s gallery of U.S. Congress. They opened fire on the politicians below, shooting 30 times and injuring 5 congressmen.
 
A woman named Lolita Lebron was their leader. She was arrested and sentenced to life imprisonment. During her trial she stated “I did not come to kill anybody. I came to die for my country.”
 

25 years later, in 1979, her sentence was commuted by President Jimmy Carter. Upon her release, she was received as a hero in Puerto Rico.
 
Here is a short documentary about Lolita Lebron. It is a bit one-sided, using the words “maniac” and “fanatic.” The same could be said about Patrick Henry and George Washington.
 

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo Meets the 

Barones de Barceloneta

Most people think Barceloneta is a suburb of Barcelona, somewhere in northern Spain. Actually, Barceloneta is a small town on the northern coast of Puerto Rico, that has some of the cleanest water on the planet.
 
The water is so pure that four pharmaceutical companies produce billions of dollars worth of drugs in Barceloneta, every year.
 
All the Viagra consumed in North America (U.S., Canada and Mexico) comes from one factory in the town of Barceloneta.
 

All made in Barceloneta

The town has become quite prosperous, and Pfizer Pharmaceutical sponsors the Barones de Barceloneta baseball team. The Barones have brand new uniforms, a state-of-the-art stadium, and a dozen cheerleaders called “The Diamond Girls.”
 

The Barones baseball stadium

The Barones even have a mascot – a twelve-foot African bush elephant.

 The Barones de Barceloneta elephant 

In 2008, the Barones also had the most spectacular win/loss record in the history of the Puerto Rico Winter Baseball League, with a winning percentage of 85%.
 
On February 12, 2008, the Barones marched into Caguas to challenge Juan Bobo and his baseball team. The game lasted 628 innings – the longest game in baseball history.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

The Borinqueneers

The 65th Infantry Regiment, also known as the Borinqueneers, fought with honor and sacrificed many lives in World War I, World War II, and the Korean War.
 

For some strange reason, the U.S. high command did not hesitate to send the Borinqueneers straight to the front of every war. In World War II alone, they participated in the battles of Naples-Fogis, Rome-Arno, Central Europe, and the Rhineland.
 
After the Korean War, Gen. Douglas McCarthur said this about the Borinqueneers:
 
“The Puerto Ricans forming the ranks of the gallant 65th Infantry give daily proof on the battlefields of Korea of their courage, determination and resolute will to victory. They are writing a brilliant record of heroism in battle and I am indeed proud to have them under my command. I wish that we could count on many more like them.”
 
Here is a short documentary about them:
 

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

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Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon      

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club. 
 
The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.
 
Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.
 

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah  

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.
 
This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.
 

Bobo Sperm

Juan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.
 
Hijo de la gran puta!”
 
“Te corto la cara!”
 
“Dame mis chavos, maricón!” 
 
A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 
 

Where’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

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Juan Bobo and His Baseball Stadium

Criollos de Caguas had a very colorful baseball stadium.
 
Fifty skinny boys sat on the right field wall. They shimmied up a palm tree and waved dozens of broomsticks with butterfly nets on the end. They rarely got a ball, though. The Criollos de Caguas had not hit a home run in two years.
 
The field was full of holes, ruts, and countless other hazards. An ant colony wiggled under first base. Insects bigger than silver dollars bounced off the bulbs and zoomed around all the players. Two panels behind home plate were covered with cardboard. 
 

Out in right field, just below the butterfly nets, a sloping mound of red dirt served as the outfield fence and behind it (to keep out the boys) a twelve-foot wall of barbed wire topped a pile of garbage cans filled with broken beer bottles and a narrow hole, partially covered with Johnson grass, that was home to a rattlesnake.

The outfield snake 

Way out in left field lay Filadelfo the accordion player, wrapped in a tattered blanket, sleeping off a drunk. Filadelfo had toured with Mantovani, but now he played only one tune when intoxicated – En Mi Viejo San Juan. When very drunk he also remembered fragments of Mendelssohn’s Spring Song.
 
Filadelfo was the starting pitcher’s twin brother, and people often confused the two.
 

Juan Bobo & Don QFiladelfo the accordion player

The field was so run down, and the Criollos lost so many games, that people told Juan Bobo he should quit trying to manage them and find a real job.
 
But Juan loved baseball. It was a great game for redemption, since it was so full of failure. Just like life.
 

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

Pedro Albizu Campos

Pedro Albizu Campos was the first Puerto Rican to graduate from Harvard College and Harvard Law School. He became president of the Puerto Rican Nationalist Party, and the most controversial political figure in Puerto Rican history.
 

He spent 23 years in prison. He was accused of attempting to assassinate President Harry Truman. He led a revolution in 1950 that swept through eight towns in Puerto Rico, including an armed assault on the Governor’s mansion.
 
Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, and Nelson Mandela studied his life, and learned from his experience. Yet strangely, many people are unaware of this key historical figure.
 
Here is a short documentary about him:
 

 

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 Juan Bobo and Four Congressmen     

Arrested in a Cockfight 

Caguas police seized 4 members of the U.S. House of Representatives, a San Juan sheriff, and a personal injury lawyer on Friday night, in the most disastrous political fundraiser in Puerto Rico since 1898.
 
“I couldn’t believe it!” said Walter Mercado, Inspector General of the Caguas Cock Unit. “At 1 a.m., on our routine raid of El Pollo Diablo, we kicked in the door and all hell broke loose.”
 

The action begins at El Pollo Diablo

“Twenty Mexicans jumped out the basement window,” said Officer Shaniqua Lee. “Then we saw all them politicians.”
 
According to police records, dozens of congressmen were jumping, screaming, throwing hundred dollar bills at each other, and drinking a potent Puerto Rican concoction known as Dead Gringo Malt Liquor.
 
Within an hour, the Cock Unit arrested a large bipartisan coalition of legislative cockfighting enthusiasts.
 

Congressmen Don Nickles (R-OK), Charles Schumer (D-NY),  Dick Gephardt (D-MO), John Lewis (D-GA) minutes before arrest.

The FEC is also investigating a million-dollar cock ring, whereby aging Senators go on unannounced “fact-finding missions” to Tibet… then return with huge honoraria and strange, beatific grins.
 

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) during a cock-buying trip in Tibet.

The entire scheme and Juan Bobo’s cockfight racket were exposed by James Frey, a 23-year old alcoholic turned undercover cop.
 
According to Frey, “it was already one hell of a night. Juan Bobo was six thousand dollars ahead in the pit. His famous Chupacabra was enormous, it just couldn’t lose. But the Caguas cock unit ruined everything.”
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

 The Ponce Massacre

In 1937, on Palm Sunday, the townspeople of Ponce held a peaceful march in favor of the independence of Puerto Rico. The marchers were unarmed men, women and children.
 
The U.S.-appointed governor of Puerto Rico, Blanton Winship, did not agree with this march. He ordered dozens of policemen and National Guard to stop it, even if it required shooting the unarmed marchers.
 

Ponce MassacreThe Ponce Massacre

19 men, women and children were brutally murdered in broad daylight that Palm Sunday. 200 others were wounded.
 
March 21, 1937 is a day that Puerto Ricans will never forget. It started out as Palm Sunday, and ended as the Ponce Massacre.
 
Here is a documentary about the event.
 


The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

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Juan Bobo Commits Election Fraud 

SAN JUAN, PR  – Juan Bobo has been accused of massive election fraud in his campaign for governor of Puerto Rico.
 
According to the current governor, Alejandro García Padilla , Juan is appearing before thousands of Christians and telling them to vote for him on Martin Luther King Day.
 
“This is an illegal campaign tactic,” said Padilla. “It violates the division between church and state. But even worse, Mr. Bobo is appearing at strange times, and his face is 30 feet high.”
 

Juan Bobo CampaignJuan Bobo makes a campaign stop

FBI agents have been sent to 17 churches in San Juan, Ponce and Caguas, with orders to arrest Juan Bobo the moment he appears.
 
“I’m voting for him anyway,” said Maritza Carrión, a deaconess at the Church of the Holy Agony. “I want to see his head float on TV.” 

    

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Juan Bobo Gangnam Style

In an effort to discredit Juan Bobo someone is impersonating him, and giving Obba Gangnam Style concerts throughout Puerto Rico. The last one was in the town of Ponce, in the historic Teatro Ateneo.
 

Juan Bobo Gangnam StyleGangnam Style in the town of Ponce

The concert arrived with no prior advertising, and Ponce residents were alarmed to see so many Koreans in one place. “I thought they were invading Puerto Rico again,” said Pedro Paramo, the manager of a local Burger King. “Who knows, Obba Gangnam Style might be good for the economy.”  Paramo also noted that, across the street, McDonald’s was selling a PSY burger.
 
Similarly, San Juan citizens were disturbed to hear that Juan Bobo (or his impersonator) had broken into the horse stables in the Governor’s mansion, to film a music video for his new K-pop album Bobo Gangnam Style.
 

Juan Bobo Gangnam Style 2Bobo Gangnam Style

Juan Bobo also appeared on SuperXclusivo, the highest-rated TV show in Puerto Rico, to announce his engagement to Kim Hyun-a, otherwise known as the Gangnam Style girl.
 

Bobo and Gangnam GirlBobo and the Gangnam Girl 

This has gone far enough. If this man is truly Juan Bobo, it explains why the  Criollos de Caguas have not won a baseball game in two months. As their manager, Juan Bobo must clarify this situation immediately – both to his team, and to the people of Puerto Rico.
 
However, if someone is impersonating Juan Bobo, they should be arrested immediately.

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo