Archive for February, 2013

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo History Lesson:

José Feliciano

According to many, José Feliciano is the greatest living guitarist in the world. He was born blind in 1945 in Lares, Puerto Rico, and given a cuatro guitar as a present at age 3.

José became quite good at it, and by age 18 we was signed to a recording contract with RCA Victor.

Many people know him for Light My Fire and Feliz Navidad. But his musical range includes Spanish classical guitar, blues, R&B, just about every genre imaginable.

Here is a video bio about him. It would have been much better if the announcer shut up, and we could just here José Feliciano play.

But oh, that guitar is marvelous.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo is Going to Get Rich or Die Tryin’ 

NEW YORK, NY  –  Juan Bobo is the new hip hop sensation.

On January 6, just in time for Three Kings Day, RCA records will drop Bobo’s debut album  No Me Jodas  all over the U.S., South America and Japan.

The two singles  Vete Pa’l Carajo  and  Oye Maricón!  have already topped the Billboard rap charts for the past two weeks.

Fuck You Want, Nigga?  has led the Billboard ringtone chart for the past three months.

Bobo Doom is the new rap sensation, especially after he busted a cap in Fitty Cent’s ass in LAX airport on November 17th.

Rapper Juan Bobo

Congratulations to Bobo, the new role model for American youth.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

Jose Ferrer

Jose Ferrer was a great Puerto Rican actor, and the first ever to win an Academy Award.

He was spectacular in Cyrano de Bergerac, Lawrence of Arabia, Othello, Moulin Rouge, Ship of Fools, and countless other films for over 40 years.

Here is a nifty film clip, showing what the ole man from San Juan could do:

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo Spam University

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“Not just an education…a career.”

Welcome to Puerto Rican Spam University, the world’s top-rated educational institution for the growing spam industry.

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  Dr. Juan Bobo Standish, Dean of Juan Bobo Spam University.

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The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

 

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Thrills Lajas

“He started spinning at 1:30 p.m.,” said Mayor Simforoso Alicea. That is how everyone described the arrival of the Juan Bobo in the town of Lajas, Puerto Rico on Wednesday, February 20.

Bobo in LajasJuan Bobo spins into Lajas

Minutes later he was thrilling every shopper at Wal-Mart, by announcing all the specials from a modest height. 

Neither the mayor, nor anyone else in the town of Lajas, knows why Juan Bobo decided to spin into town. Juan Bobo left at sundown.

The shoppers went home to watch El Show de Walter Mercado. One shopper stayed behind, staring at the spot where Juan Bobo had disappeared.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo History Lesson:

Vieques

From World War II onward, for over 60 years, the U.S. Navy used the Puerto Rican island of Vieques for target practice. They exploded live ammunition, millions of pounds of ordnance, all over the island. 

They left Vieques more pockmarked than the moon.

Puerto Rico ViequesU.S. Navy training exercise in Vieques

Finally in 2003, due to world opinion and massive demonstrations, the U.S. withdrew from Vieques.

For a little more Vieques history, and some military footage, see:

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Bedroom Etiquette

As a child, Juan Bobo did not get enough attention from his mother. This created some early childhood issues, including proper etiquette in the Bobo bedroom.

Every day, Juan Bobo’s father always came home exhausted from cutting sugar cane. Every night the poor man could not sleep, because Juan Bobo beat him to the punch.

Juan developed many techniques for staying in the maternal bed. The first one was the Booby Trap

With this position, there was no way for Juan Sr. to climb into bed without squashing Juan Jr.

Another position was the “Big H.”

This required a lot of effort. When the “H” collapsed Juan took a passive-aggressive rest, in the Neck Scarf position.

Sometimes Juanito needed to keep an eye on both of them, to make sure that no funny business was going on.

The Stalker Position was perfect for this.

Finally, to celebrate yet another successful night in his mother’s bed, Juan would bust out the Snow Angel.

In this manner Juan worked out his Oedipal issues and got all the attention he deserved. His father never got much sleep, but that wasn’t Juan’s problem. 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

The United Fruit Company

By 1930 the United Fruit Company owned over one million acres of land in Panama, Guatemala, Honduras, Colombia, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Mexico and Cuba.

By 1940, in Honduras alone, the United Fruit Company owned 50 percent of all private land in the entire country. In Guatemala, the United Fruit Company owned 75 percent of all private land by 1942 – plus most of Guatemala’s roads, power stations and phone lines, the only Pacific seaport, and every mile of railroad.

By 1930, over 40 percent of all the arable land in Puerto Rico had been converted into sugar plantations, which were entirely owned by ex-Governor Charles Allen and U.S. banking interests. These bank syndicates also owned the entire coastal railroad, and the San Juan international seaport.

The U.S. government (particularly the CIA) supported all these economic exploits. They provided military persuasion whenever necessary. They murdered people in broad daylight, if they got in the way. The most famous of these was the “Banana Massacre” in Columbia.

Here’s more about United Fruit:

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Juan Bobo (not) on HBO

“New York…just like I pictured it…skyscrapers and everythang.”

With no money in his pocket, Juan Bobo became quite desperate. He saw a classified ad for “sparring partners” and figured what the hell, he could take a punch or two.

He didn’t know that he’d sparring with Miguel Cotto who is also from Caguas, but a somewhat better fighter.

Juan got hired. The sparring match began. Juan got in a punch or two, but when a gash opened over Cotto’s left eye, the man went crazy on poor Juan.

“You weren’t supposed to cut me, pendejo!” yelled Cotto, as he beat Juan senseless.

juan bob PunchMiguel Cotto says hello

Juan’s sparring career lasted two rounds. They didn’t even pay him. It’s safe to say, you will not see Juan Bobo on HBO Sports anytime soon.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Invades

Camp Chesterfield

As far as Juan Bobo knew, CampChesterfield was a high-security scientific research facility run by his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo. But when he arrived at the camp, Juan Bobo saw this:

The main entrance looked like this:

Juan walked in and saw a pet cemetery, a fairy trail, a fountain of memory, an inspiration stump, and a Trail of Religions with statues of ten religious leaders including Siddhartha, Lao Tse, Abraham, and Zoroaster.

The Trail of Religions

He saw a Mother Mary statue, a stone pyramid, a totem pole, eight wooden toads, a Buddhist named Quan Yin, and a glow-in-the-dark Jesus whose arms moved up and down.

Camp Chesterfield had twenty religions all piled on top of each other like a stack of pancakes. Somewhere in there, Juan Bobo sensed a metaphor.

The most baffling feature of the camp, was a spiritual chair in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Bobo didn’t last long in this camp. Due to some unfortunate events which were not his fault, Juan was encouraged to seek his fortunes elsewhere.

With two dead women behind him, and the police on his tail, Juan Bobo left Camp Chesterfield behind – and set out to discover America. 

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo