Archive for June, 2013

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Voter Registration   

in Washington Heights

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYPolitics is an extremely greasy pole in New York City. But some politicians are reaching a new low in WashingtonHeights, in their desperate bid to save their political careers.

With a 22% job approval rating, State Senator Adriano Espaillat has become desperate and is employing an unprecedented tactic.

Espaillat is running all over his district, registering dead people into the Democratic party.

exorcist3Espaillat sees dead people…then registers them to vote 

It is unclear how these people will vote on election day. However, according to the Senator, “the people will rise up and vote for change…and that change is me.”

A massive voter turnout for State Senator Espaillat

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Juan Bobo Sues Surgeon 

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Juan Bobo has suspended his congressional campaign to deal with a medical emergency.

In an effort to secure the youth vote, he paid a visit to Hillary Clinton’s plastic surgeon.

Unfortunately he emerged looking like…Hillary Clinton

Bobo Clinton

“I think I want my money back,” said Bobo.

His opponent, Harlem Congressman Charles B. Rangel, demanded an immediate investigation by somebody, about something.

“The Puerto Rican is brilliant,” said CNN political analyst Lou Dobbs. “He’s clearly pandering for votes. But no one can figure out…just who he’s pandering to.”

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Juan Bobo Commits Election Fraud      

in Washington Heights

WASHINGTON HIGHTS, NYC  – Juan Bobo has been accused of massive election fraud in his campaign for State Assemblyman of Washington Heights, New York.

According to the current Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat, Juan is using an illegal campaign tactic, appearing before thousands of Christians and telling them to vote for him on September 10.

“This is not just a violation of the division between church and state,” said Espaillat. “This man is appearing at strange times and his face is 30 feet high.”

Juan Bobo CampaignJuan Bobo makes a campaign stop

Federal marshals have been sent to 17 churches in Washington Heights, Inwood and Marble Hill, with orders to arrest Juan the moment he appears.

“I’m voting for him anyway,” said Maritza Carrión, a deaconess at the Church of the Holy Agony on 172nd street and Broadway. “I want to see his head floating on TV.” 

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Juan Bobo Announces Department of

Rubble and Urban Development

ORLANDO, FL — “Vote for me,” yelled Juan Bobo. “Because we need to turn lemons into lemonade.”

Standing on a pile of rocks, on the front steps of actor Erik Estrada’s crumbling old house near LakeBuena Vista, the Puerto Rican declared himself a candidate for Mayor of Orlando.

He then demanded the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

Bobo RubbleJuan Bobo demands more rubble

“We need to manage our rubble,” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

Juan Bobo had a point.

With a deepening national recession and a 91% rise in Orlando home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports.”

“We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry.”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he     pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

RubbleErik Estrada’s house, before and after 2009 foreclosure

Erik Estrada, the renowned Buddhist, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. The aging movie actor had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and a receding hairline.

Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Estrada house.

Juan Bobo was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble,” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy.”

“And as your next Mayor, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble.”

As the crowd cheered, the Bobo prayed for the people.

Then he prayed for more rubble. 

Bobo ProsperityPraying for the people’s prosperity

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Pope Juan Bobo IV

Catholic Church historians have discovered a previously unidentified Pope, who was passed over in 18th century ecclesiastical records.

Juan Bobo IV, not the Argentine guy, was the first Latino Pope.

Pope Bobo IVPope Juan Bobo IV

This was a serious historical oversight.

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Juan Bobo, Hanging Judge 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Juan Bobo has been appointed as a Federal judge in the Southern District of New York (SDNY).

His first case involved three thieving politicians from WashingtonHeights, who have been stealing from people for the last twenty years.

One of them is already in jail.

Judge Bobo

Bobo banged his gavel on all of them.

“P’al carajo!” he said, and sent them all where they belong.

3 amigos

 

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Juan Bobo is the new Charles Bronson

NEW ORLEANS  – Juan Bobo has agreed to play the part of “Chaney” in the upcoming re-make of Hard Times, co-starring Giovanni Ribisi as the fast-talking manager and Natalie Portman as the lonely Lucy Simpson.

America needs a new hero,” said producer Lawrence Bender. “Juan Bobo is the strong, silent type. People believe in him.”  

Bobo BronsonThe news Charles Bronson

The film is widely regarded as the 2013 summer tentpole that will either save MGM, or sink the studio forever. 

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Juan Bobo Trailer Park

NEW YORK, NY  – As part of his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo announced a revolutionary housing initiative for the people of  Washington Heights.

Bobo thrilled the crowd with a few card tricks, then yanked a tablecloth and revealed his ultimate miracle: a four-story, pre-fabricated trailer park.

“Now everyone in my district can own a dream home!” shouted Bobo. “Why should rich people have all the fun?” 

The Juan Bobo trailer park

According to Mr. Bobo, any registered Democrat will qualify for a trailer. All they have to do is vote for me.

“I’m bringing congress back to the people,” he said. “And the people want trailer parks.”

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Juan Bobo:

Dancing with the Stars

LAS VEGAS, NV  – Jaun Bobo continues his onslaught on American reality TV.

Disney/ABC TV President and CEO Anne Sweeney was thrilled with the Nielsen numbers that Juan scored during a one-time guest appearance.

“We doubled our numbers that night,” said Sweeney. “And they were all Puerto Rican.”

Sweeney promptly offered Juan a job: to replace Len Goodman as the lead judge on Dancing with the Stars.

Juan Bobo Dancing with the Stars

“I don’t know much about judging,” said Juan Bobo, “but I know a good guaguancó when I see one.”

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Juan Bobo Voter Registration 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY  – One week after the Committee to Elect Juan Bobo (COJUBO) announced its campaign for U.S. congress, voter recruitment into the Democratic party has reached dangerous levels in Washington Heights.

Strange individuals are knocking on doors, then breaking them down in the most aggressive voter registration campaign in the history of New York City.

Voter registration on Dyckman Street

Federal marshals have been called in to monitor this activity, particularly with respect to the registration of 287 dead people in the Dyckman public housing project.

“This is a major electoral shift,” said Douglas Kellner, Chairman of the New York County Board of Elections. “I’ve seen dead people vote. But this is a whole army of them.” 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo