Archive for August, 2013

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Accused

of Buying Votes

HARLEM, NEW YORK – In a packed news conference, Congressman Charles Rangel accused the Puerto Rican Guy, also known as Juan Bobo, of violating U.S. federal election laws.

“He’s buying votes!” he shouted. “They should throw him in jail!”

Reminded that for the past 40 years, he has done precisely the same thing, Congressman Rangel was quick to respond. “I give people a little taste. There’s nothing wrong with that. But this guy just hands out money!”

The Congressman’s staff distributed some U.S. currency to every reporter. The bills did appear a bit strange.

3 dollar Bobo

“Just yesterday, the Puerto Rican handed these out at three senior centers,” said Rangel. “Then he handed out hundreds more, in front of the Apollo Theatre.”

Congressman Rangel demanded an immediate audit of the Committee to Elect Juan Bobo. “Making empty promises is one thing,” said Rangel. “I do it all the time. But handing out three dollar bills…that’s really low.”  

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Bachelor Pad

EAST HARLEM, NY – Juan Bobo was invaded by the Sanitation Department of NYC last week.

An anonymous caller complained of a foul smell coming from his Washington Heights apartment.

When the garbage men arrived they found mountains of boxes; towers of newspapers and books; heaps of chandeliers, sofas and debris; human limbs and organs (including a pickled kidney); a Robert Morton Wonder Organ with twin pipe chambers; and a Model T Ford.

A dead man was found in a closet. 

A dog was found beneath two tons of Carolina rice.

In all, they found 200,000 pounds of garbage in Bobo’s apartment. It was piled nine feet high, and had to be evacuated through the building windows.

Collyer

The fire and police departments had to pass garbage up to the roof.      

Removing garbage through the roof

Three fork lift trucks had to haul Bobo’s garbage away, for an entire month.

We do not believe this was Juan Bobo’s garbage. There were no Coronas, matzoh balls, or bottles of coquito.

This is part of the ongoing plot to discredit Juan Bobo, the only Puerto Rican worth voting for.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Einstein 

NEW YORK CITY – The McCarthur Foundation has just conferred a genius grant on Juan Bobo.

For the next three years, he won’t have to do anything except lie around the house, and think up some stupid shit.

This is pretty much what he’s been doing all his life, except now he’ll get paid for it.

electric BoboOfficially a genius

Though still in hiding from the FBI, Mr. Bobo was able to communicate through a confidential source in East Harlem.

“I am happy to receive this grant,” he said. “And like all the other geniuses, I am honored to lie around the house, collect my grant money, and do nothing.”

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Bobo Gangnam Style

In an effort to discredit Juan Bobo someone is impersonating him, and giving Obba Gangnam Style concerts throughout Puerto Rico. The last one was in the town of Ponce, in the historic Teatro Ateneo.  

Juan Bobo Gangnam StyleGangnam Style in the town of Ponce

The concert arrived with no prior advertising, and Ponce residents were alarmed to see so many Koreans in one place. “I thought they were invading Puerto Rico again,” said Pedro Paramo, the manager of a local Burger King. “Who knows, it might be good for the economy.”  Paramo also noted that, across the street, McDonald’s was selling a PSY burger.

Similarly, San Juan citizens were disturbed to hear that Juan Bobo (or his impersonator) had broken into the horse stables in the Governor’s mansion, to film a music video for his new K-pop album Bobo Gangnam Style.

Juan Bobo Gangnam Style 2Bobo Gangnam Style

Juan Bobo also appeared on SuperXclusivo, the highest-rated TV show in Puerto Rico, to announce his engagement to Kim Hyun-a, otherwise known as the Gangnam Style girl. 

Bobo and Gangnam GirlBobo and the Gangnam Girl 

This has gone far enough. If this man is truly Juan Bobo, it explains why the  Criollos de Caguas have not won a baseball game in two months. As their manager, Juan Bobo must clarify this situation immediately – both to his team, and to the people of Puerto Rico.

If this man is impersonating Juan Bobo, he should be arrested immediately.   

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

El Juego de Bicho

Juan Bobo and his aunt Tati have developed a new lottery system. It is   deeply religious, fun for senior citizens, and perfect for people who can’t count. Used properly, it will save every local government from our growing recession.

Juan Bobo invented it…

And now he unveils it…

El Juego de Bicho

Bicho

Instead of betting on a three or five-digit number, people will bet on a combination of animals.

If they dream that a pig flew by their window, then their dog ate a parakeet… the next morning they can bet the  pig—dog—bird  combo.

This could allow them to bet in a spiritual way…consistent with their dream life.

It’s easier for the old folks to remember. It gives them something to pray about in church, and argue about in the senior center.

Juan Bobo test marketed his lottery in India…where it spread like wildfire and cause rioting in Mumbai.

Indian women discuss their bichos 

There it is…forget about a dollar and a dream…just dream of a snake, two dogs and several unspeakable acts…

Then bet your brains out.

It’s the lottery for the New Age:  El Juego de Bicho.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

The Coquito Candidate

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS,  NY  – Juan Bobo is running for office again. In a packed press conference, Leo announced his candidacy for U.S. Congress in WashingtonHeights.

Juan is not sure of his platform yet. “Someone is stealing a lot of money around here,” he told reporters, “and I’m going to find out who.” 

Juan Bobo PartyJuan Bobo announces his campaign

The counter-accusations have already begun.

Juan owns La Casita de Chema, a very popular bar that just happens to be in the district.  His coquito and guava schnapps are famous throughout Inwood and Marble Hill.  “He’s buying votes with his coquito!” shouted Congressman Charles Rangel at a local community forum. “I demand an investigation!” 

Juan Bobo 3Juan dispenses advice and coquito

The Congressman also charged that Leo does not care about government.  “It’s all a trick,” said Rangel. “He’s only running to promote his book about coquito.”

Rangel may have a point. The Coquito Dictionary was published in 2000 and is currently undergoing a reprint. Copies are on sale at Barnes & Noble,  Waldenbooks, Walmart, Home Depot, and of course this web site.

coquito Dictionary

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Income Tax Tips

Part VIII

Juan Bobo has not paid any income taxes for the past 12 years.

All his tax strategies are legal, and Juan has never even audited.

Here are a few more tax tips from Juan:

INVENT A NEW PRODUCT and deduct all research & development expenses, including damage to your nose.

Juan Bobo Fork

BE THE ONLY HONEST LAWYER IN TOWN, and go broke when your clients leave you.

Juan Bobo Honest Lawyer

BECOME A PROPHET, gaze frequently into the sky, and deduct all your travel expenses.

Juan Bobo Prophet

OPEN A BAR IN WILLIAMSBURG and invite all your unpublished friends. You’ll go bankrupt in a week.

Juan Bobo 3

IF THE IRS EVER CALLS, tell them you’re clinically depressed.

Drunk

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Income Tax Tips

Part II

Juan Bobo has not paid any income taxes in 12 years.

In a completely legal manner, he has told the IRS to shove it since 2001.

Here are a few more of his techniques.

RUN FOR OFFICE and deduct every expense.

Juan Bobo Running for Office

BEATIFY YOURSELF and become immediately tax-exempt.

Juan Bobo Jesus

TURN INTO A PARAMECIUM. 

It is the only remaining species that the IRS does not pursue.

Paramecium

CLONE YOURSELF and, when the IRS audits you, go down there in triplicate. 

Juan Bobo Triplets

Stay tuned…Juan Bobo has more tax tips.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Income Tax Tips

Part VII

Juan Bobo has never been audited. His friend Papo Bullshit is audited every year. But Papo has a simple technique, that settles every tax audit very quickly.

For the past 37 years, Papo welcomes the tax man graciously into his home.

He serves them a home-made piragua.

Bobo Piragua

Then he says “say hello to my little friend.”     

Papo has not paid any taxes since 1975.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Income Tax Tips

Part 6

Juan Bobo doesn’t want you to pay any income taxes.

He hasn’t paid the IRS, or been audited by them, since 2000.

Juan has many sophisticated and powerful techniques…but one technique is the most fun of all.

Just become a kept man.

Tango Bobo

Juan did it in 2006, 2010, and 2012.     

Each time he lost weight, saved money, and was interviewed by several women’s magazines, including Tango and Cougar Latino.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo