Archive for September, 2013

Juan bobo

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

A new movie was released in Puerto Rico which revealed that Abraham Lincoln was a world-class vampire hunter, even during the Civil War. This was news to Juan Bobo – especially when schoolchildren started talking about it in McDonald’s, as though it had been actual history.

The kids didn’t question the existence of vampires – just the notion that Abraham Lincoln chased them around, on a horse, while passing Civil Rights legislation and conducting a war.

But then came the real shock. Some fake psychic in San Juan started calling himself “Abraham Lincoln, Ghost Hunter,” and cutting into Juan’s exorcism business. So just like Honest Abe, Juan went to war: he dressed up like Abraham Lincoln and embarked on a twelve-town “Freedom Tour.” 

Lincoln Bobo

 

In less than one month, Juan liberated hundreds of ghosts from their earthly bonds. He even recited the Gettysburg Address before killing each one.

Four score and seven years ago

I told these ghosts

To get the hell out of Puerto Rico

And just like that, Juan’s business was back on track. He was killing ten ghosts a day.

In Brazil, Paulo Coelho discussed the metaphysics of “killing” a ghost; in San Juan

and Ponce, the Walmart stores broke out a “Juan Bobo Ghostbuster” line of clothing.

Juan Bobo GSIJuan Bobo, Ghostbuster

Meanwhile Juan Bobo’s baseball team, the Criollos de Caguas, lost sixteen games in a row.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and his

Star Player

After 521 innings, Juan Bobo was desperate to win the baseball game against the Barones de Barceloneta. Juan was tired of the opposing team manager, Adam Clayton Powell VI, who called a press conference every night for no apparent reason.
 

Powell press conference about something or other

He was tired of the Barones cheerleaders and their skimpy outfits, which kept distracting his first baseman.
 

The Barones de Barceloneta cheerleaders

Juan was definitely tired of the Barones’ 12-foot elephant, and the disrespect he showed toward the Criollos and their dugout.
 

The elephant undermines the Criollos’ morale

Finally, in the 522nd inning, the Barones looked like winners. They loaded the bases with no outs and Juan was finally going home…but then, all of a sudden, his centerfielder Papa Cool decided to become a hero.
Papa started running everywhere…he became a one-man outfield, caught everything left and right, dove for breathtaking shoe-stringers, speared fantastic catches over his shoulder, fielded infield grounders…and at one point, he charged a bunt for the force-out at home plate.
 

Papa Cool saves a home run

But finally with two outs, the Barones clean-up man belted a home run.
 
BOOM!
 
The ball soared high and deep into the foggy center field sky and Papa galloped after it like an African horse, legs pumping, every muscle straining, his black eyes popping even as he crashed through the center field wall and plummeted down a 25-foot embankment.
 

The hole where Papa crashed

Adam Clayton Powell VII charged out onto the field, howling and pumping his fist, until he saw that the stadium was still. The runners circled the bases in a strange, respectful silence. Everyone watched quietly as they found Papa Cool’s body, and hauled it back to the dugout on a stretcher.
 

Baseball huddlePapa Cool caught the ball, then died

Papa didn’t move. He wasn’t even breathing. A priest climbed down somberly to administer the Last Rites, and no one in the stadium stirred. The place was so quiet you could hear the priest’s every word.
 
“Blessed Father, I am here with Papa Cool, to unite his spirit with the passion of Christ, in the name of the father, the son, and…wait a minute…what the hell is this?”
 
Juan Bobo ran over as the priest opened Papa’s glove. “Ave Maria Purísima!” yelled the priest. “He caught it…he caught the ball!”
 
The priest waved the baseball and the stadium exploded. Six thousand fans screamed, Old Man Oye fainted, someone banged a Chinese gong, and a dozen kids leaped into right field waving their butterfly nets. A conjunto jumped onto the dugout and belted out a bachata.
 
And so after 522 innings the teams were still deadlocked – in the longest game in baseball history.
 
Juan Bobo started to cry.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and the Longest       

Game in Baseball History

One day, Juan Bobo brought his friend El Brujo de Guayama (the witch doctor of Guayama) to the stadium.  El Brujo pulled a big black finger out of a coconut and rubbed it over home plate

El brujo de Guayama

The stadium was strange the next day.

Don Q fired his 98 mph heat…and the first batter hit the first pitch. He fired again…and the second batter hit the first pitch.  For the rest of the inning, every batter hit the first pitch. They weren’t all hits and no one scored, but every batter connected on the very first pitch.

It happened to both teams throughout the day. The entire game ran like a runaway train and, when the night lights came on, the scoreboard showed 178 innings.

The opposing team manager, Adam Clayton Powell VI, called a press conference to announce his feeling that “something funny is going on here.”

Powell announces that something funny is going on

The next day, the Barones pitcher quit when he saw a ghost standing next to him on the pitcher’s mound.  Powell called another press conference to announce that the Criollos were not playing fair, and had a recruited a ghost to intimidate his team.

Pressed for details about this ghost – its origin, whereabouts, motives, or financial interest in the Criollos – Powell was uncertain.

Huh?  

Two days later, the Criollos and the Barones were still deadlocked after 317 innings – the longest game in baseball history. 

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Juan bobo

Bobo Gangnam Style

In an effort to discredit Juan Bobo someone is impersonating him, and giving Obba Gangnam Style concerts throughout Puerto Rico. The last one was in the town of Ponce, in the historic Teatro Ateneo.  

Juan Bobo Gangnam StyleGangnam Style in the town of Ponce

The concert arrived with no prior advertising, and Ponce residents were alarmed to see so many Koreans in one place. “I thought they were invading Puerto Rico again,” said Pedro Paramo, the manager of a local Burger King. “Who knows, it might be good for the economy.”  Paramo also noted that, across the street, McDonald’s was selling a PSY burger.

Similarly, San Juan citizens were disturbed to hear that Juan Bobo (or his impersonator) had broken into the horse stables in the Governor’s mansion, to film a music video for his new K-pop album Bobo Gangnam Style.

Juan Bobo Gangnam Style 2Bobo Gangnam Style

Juan Bobo also appeared on SuperXclusivo, the highest-rated TV show in Puerto Rico, to announce his engagement to Kim Hyun-a, otherwise known as the Gangnam Style girl. 

Bobo and Gangnam GirlBobo and the Gangnam Girl 

This has gone far enough. If this man is truly Juan Bobo, it explains why the  Criollos de Caguas have not won a baseball game in two months. As their manager, Juan Bobo must clarify this situation immediately – both to his team, and to the people of Puerto Rico.

If this man is impersonating Juan Bobo, he should be arrested immediately.   

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo, Filadelfo

and His Magic Accordion

Every day, before every game, the Criollos de Caguas had to awaken Filadelfo the accordion player. He was always snoring in right field, wrapped in a tattered blanket, sleeping off a drunk.

Filadelfo had toured with Mantovani, but now he played only one tune when intoxicated – En Mi Viejo San Juan. When very drunk he also remembered fragments of Mendelssohn’s Spring Song.

Filadelfo when sober

As the only high-brow musician in the whole town, Filadelfo possessed a just celebrity. He was brilliant and industrious – his sons and daughters were innumerable – but the artistic temperament was too much for him.

On February 9, 2012, Filadelfo was passed out, and draped like an “L” over a bench. He refused to wake up. But the mayor of Caguas was there for  the big game, so Juan Bobo had no choice, and he ordered the ground crew to throw a bucket of ice water on Filadelfo.

DrunkHe refused to wake up

The accordionist sprang up in a rage, and placed a curse on both teams. “You’re all in a hurry?” he yelled. “Okay, so keep on hurrying!”

From that point on, the baseball game became very strange. Every batter on both teams connected with the first pitch, for either an immediate hit or an immediate out. 

They hit every pitch

The game proceeded at lightning speed and, by the end of the day, the game was tied at 24-24 after 59 innings. The Criollos pitcher Don Q was becoming a nervous wreck, and started drinking Bacardi in the dugout.

Everyone in the stadium had heard Filadelfo, and they started whispering that “the curse of Filadelfo” had taken over the game.

Juan Bobo had never seen anything like it.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club.

The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.

Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.  

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.

This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.

Juan's SpermJuan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.

Hijo de la gran puta!”

“Te corto la cara!”

“Dame mis chavos, maricón!”

A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 

istarWhere’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.

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Juan bobo

Pope Juan Bobo IV

ROME  – Catholic Church historians have discovered a previously unidentified Pope, who was passed over in 18th century ecclesiastical records.

Pope Juan Bobo IV was the first Latino Pope.

Pope Bobo IVPope Juan Bobo IV

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Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Falls Victim to

Creative Visualization

LONDON, U.K. – A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

The Puerto Rican found an abandoned copy of Shakti Gawain’s Creative Visualization on a New York City subway train.

He started to practice all the affirmations, meditations and Chakra exercises in the book.

He became particularly adept at the Pink Bubble Technique…where you surround your fantasy with a pink bubble, and let it go into the universe.

Juan Bobo became so good at it, that whatever he asked for, the Pink Bubble would get it for him.

Bobo gets a chihuahua

One night he got drunk and asked for something ridiculous.

He can’t remember what it was…but for the past three days, Juan Bobo has been floating over the Thames River.

Moon Leo

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Judge Juan Bobo 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Juan Bobo has been appointed as a Federal judge, in the Southern District of New York.

His first case involved three thieving politicians from WashingtonHeights, who have been stealing from people for the last twenty years.

One of them is already in jail.

Judge Bobo

Bobo banged his gavel on all of them.

P’al carajo!”  he said, and sent them all where they belong.

3 amigos

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Shoots his Twin Brother 

CAGUAS, P.R. – Juan Bobo fatally shot his twin brother with a .38-caliber revolver during an altercation in their shared Caguas womb.

This same Bobo is wanted by the FBI, for illegal DNA experiments which he conducted in a South Bronx basement.

Pursuant to Section 215 of the Patriot Act and Section 501 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), records were recently forwarded to the Pentagon, U. S. wire services, and the National Enquirer.

Found in the basement of a Caguas, Puerto Rico police precinct, these records prove that the Juan Bobo was a pre-natal terrorist.

womb shootingManos arriba!

According to the police records, Ms. Maria Bobo was awakened at 4 a.m. on September 15, 2013 by a scuffle in her uterus.

She dismissed it as routine kicking, but 30 minutes later she heard three pistol shots.

Forensic x-rays revealed that the unborn gunman  –  identified as a five-inch fetus with no eyes or hair  –  shot his brother twice in what eventually would have become his heart.

After a tense four-hour standoff, the fetus threw out his weapon when police threatened to induce labor.

Police spokesmen denied the use of tear gas, and a forced C-section was impossible, due to a power outage at CaguasMunicipalHospital.

The fetus was a member of the Puerto Rican Socialist Party, which later claimed credit for the power outage in the San Juan Star.

police sceneThe scene of the crime

The mother was unharmed in the shooting. Two bullets lodged themselves in the twin brother. 

A third passed harmlessly through her birth canal and killed a rooster.

The fetus did not emerge from the crime scene, but a court-appointed lawyer said the fetus would surrender himself peacefully, upon post-partum separation from his mother. 

“This whole tragic chain of events is hard to comprehend,” said Caguas mayor Simforoso Alicea.

“Where did we as a community fail this unborn fetus? Could parents have done a better job of conceiving, carrying, and pre-natally educating it? And how did the fetus get access to firearms?” 

According to Caguas police, the fetus used a revolver registered to his father.

On advice of attorney Yonosay Nada, Esq., the fetus offered no comment on the shooting. 

Due to his client’s fetal position, Nada invoked the law of habeus corpus and Sections 1 through 69 of the Napoleonic Code.

Upon remand to Casos Juveniles de Caguas, the case was adjourned in contemplation of dismissal.

This pre-natal terrorist, Juan Bobo, is now at large.

The latest photo of him appeared on a t-shirt:

Bobo Shirt

 

Should you happen to see Juan Bobo, please notify the FBI or this page immediately.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo