Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Invades

Camp Chesterfield

As far as Juan Bobo knew, CampChesterfield was a high-security scientific research facility run by his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo. But when he arrived at the camp, Juan Bobo saw this:

Camp Cesterfield

The main entrance looked like this:

Juan walked in and saw a pet cemetery, a fairy trail, a fountain of memory, an inspiration stump, and a Trail of Religions with statues of ten religious leaders including Siddhartha, Lao Tse, Abraham, and Zoroaster.

The Trail of Religions

He saw a Mother Mary statue, a stone pyramid, a totem pole, eight wooden toads, a Buddhist named Quan Yin, and a glow-in-the-dark Jesus whose arms moved up and down.

Camp Chesterfield had twenty religions all piled on top of each other like a stack of pancakes. Somewhere in there, Juan Bobo sensed a metaphor.

The most baffling feature of the camp, was a spiritual chair in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Bobo didn’t last long in this camp. Due to some unfortunate events which were not his fault, Juan was encouraged to seek his fortunes elsewhere.

With two dead women behind him, and the police on his tail, Juan Bobo left Camp Chesterfield behind – and set out to discover America. 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan bobo

Doctor Virgilio Bobo

When Adam Clayton Powell VI was shot and killed, Juan Bobo left Puerto Rico in    a hurry.  He flew to America and looked up his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo.

electric Bobo

Dr. Bobo was a genius. 

As Director of the Arecibo Radio Telescope, Dr. Bobo appeared in a James Bond movie, two horror films and numerous episodes of the X-Files. He was the extra-terrestrial consultant for the movie Contact. He even substituted for Leonard Nimoy in two episodes of Star Trek

Spock Bobo

The doctor also determined the  rotation rate of the planet Mercury, discovered the  first planets outside our solar system, found the first millisecond pulsar  (20 miles wide and spinning 642 times per second), and detected pre-biotic molecules in the galaxy Arp 220 which is 250 million light years away.

When he left Caguas in 1948, Dr. Bobo was only sixteen and already famous for his knowledge of short-wave radio technology. Now he was a world-famous astronomer, charting our universe as head of the Astrophysics Department at CornellUniversity, which owned the telescope.

So Dr. Bobo was a pretty smart guy.

The Arecibo radio telescope 

To protect his genius and the confidentiality of his findings, they even built a special campus for Dr. Bobo and his many assistants, called CampChesterfield.

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Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Escapes

from Puerto Rico

It was a shame, really. After winning the longest game in baseball history, Juan Bobo organized the most famous party in Puerto Rico. He brought in musicians, prostitutes, roast suckling pig, and his own special rum.

 

Don Q Bobo

 
Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Bambino found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs. And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan was ready for anything. He even built a special bar for the occasion.
 

Juan Bobo 3

 
A few fights broke out, but no self-respecting Puerto Rican party would be complete without them. In fact, the mayor of Caguas and two priests were there, and they  joined in the fights, too. 
 
Juan even gave a special performance of Celia Cruz’s greatest hits.
 

Juan Bobo CruzAzucar  !

 
And so it was a shame, really, that Adam Clayton Powell VI got into an argument with Juan Bobo, and the sheriff of Caguas shot Powell in the face. The party didn’t last much longer after that, and there was a lot of leftover chicken.
 
Powell ran down a dusty road, and died a hundred feet from Juan’s house. The sheriff (a.k.a. Papo Bullshit) advised Juan to leave Puerto Rico in a hurry, and Juan agreed.
 
When they reached the airport, they hugged quickly and quietly since there was no time for sentiment. As he looked at Juan for the last time, Papo made the sign of the cross and asked for God’s protection. Then he told Juan to be strong, to play  hard, that el béisbol is about taking your best cut and swinging from the heels, because America is all curveballs.
 

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The Mother of All Parties

After 621 innings the Criollos de Caguas finally beat the Barones de Barceloneta, to win the longest game in baseball history.  As manager of the Criollos, Juan Bobo went one step further: he organized what, to this day, is the most famous party in Puerto Rican history.

The word went out immediately and preparations lasted for three days. Old Man Oye dusted his phonograph and picked out his loudest records. Mama Chema baked a tub of beans.  Pots of pork fried rice, basins of steaming shrimp, buckets of cuchifritos kept streaming into Juan’s house. Perníl Rivera, the owner of El Pollo Diablo, killed ten of his largest chickens.

One of the ten chickens

And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Don Q found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs.

The party became so famous, that Juan Bobo even held a press conference over it.

Juan Bobo PartyJuan Bobo announces his party

The party lasted till Saturday, Sunday or Monday – no one is really sure – but what happened there was reported in the San Juan Star, and became a legend throughout Puerto Rico.

Within two hours the party passed into legend. No one could ever give a better one. Such a thing would be unthinkable. Never in the history of Puerto Rico had there been so many fights.

Juan Bobo tried to stop it, but no one would listen. They just wanted to fight.

Juan bobo2“No mas!” said Juan Bobo

The Barónes grabbed Choco by the throat and demanded their money back. Pitrós heaved three Barónes through the front window. Perico sold bad drugs in the bathroom and they stuffed his head in a toilet. El Sapo flew out the front door. Wilson bit their pitcher’s ear. Flaco lost a tooth. No self-respecting man came out of that night without some glorious cuts and bruises. 

The women could not stop laughing. Oh, the laughter of the women!  Thin and delicate and sweet as spun glass, as they kicked whichever man happened to be down. A few ladylike shrieks of protest also fluttered down from the upstairs rooms.

But the party took a wrong turn, when the sheriff shot and killed Adam Clayton Powell VI.

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Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

A new movie was released in Puerto Rico which revealed that Abraham Lincoln was a world-class vampire hunter, even during the Civil War. This was news to Juan Bobo – especially when schoolchildren started talking about it in McDonald’s, as though it had been actual history.

The kids didn’t question the existence of vampires – just the notion that Abraham Lincoln chased them around, on a horse, while passing Civil Rights legislation and conducting a war.

But then came the real shock. Some fake psychic in San Juan started calling himself “Abraham Lincoln, Ghost Hunter,” and cutting into Juan’s exorcism business. So just like Honest Abe, Juan went to war: he dressed up like Abraham Lincoln and embarked on a twelve-town “Freedom Tour.” 

Lincoln Bobo

 

In less than one month, Juan liberated hundreds of ghosts from their earthly bonds. He even recited the Gettysburg Address before killing each one.

Four score and seven years ago

I told these ghosts

To get the hell out of Puerto Rico

And just like that, Juan’s business was back on track. He was killing ten ghosts a day.

In Brazil, Paulo Coelho discussed the metaphysics of “killing” a ghost; in San Juan

and Ponce, the Walmart stores broke out a “Juan Bobo Ghostbuster” line of clothing.

Juan Bobo GSIJuan Bobo, Ghostbuster

Meanwhile Juan Bobo’s baseball team, the Criollos de Caguas, lost sixteen games in a row.

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Juan Bobo and his

Star Player

After 521 innings, Juan Bobo was desperate to win the baseball game against the Barones de Barceloneta. Juan was tired of the opposing team manager, Adam Clayton Powell VI, who called a press conference every night for no apparent reason.
 

Powell press conference about something or other

He was tired of the Barones cheerleaders and their skimpy outfits, which kept distracting his first baseman.
 

The Barones de Barceloneta cheerleaders

Juan was definitely tired of the Barones’ 12-foot elephant, and the disrespect he showed toward the Criollos and their dugout.
 

The elephant undermines the Criollos’ morale

Finally, in the 522nd inning, the Barones looked like winners. They loaded the bases with no outs and Juan was finally going home…but then, all of a sudden, his centerfielder Papa Cool decided to become a hero.
Papa started running everywhere…he became a one-man outfield, caught everything left and right, dove for breathtaking shoe-stringers, speared fantastic catches over his shoulder, fielded infield grounders…and at one point, he charged a bunt for the force-out at home plate.
 

Papa Cool saves a home run

But finally with two outs, the Barones clean-up man belted a home run.
 
BOOM!
 
The ball soared high and deep into the foggy center field sky and Papa galloped after it like an African horse, legs pumping, every muscle straining, his black eyes popping even as he crashed through the center field wall and plummeted down a 25-foot embankment.
 

The hole where Papa crashed

Adam Clayton Powell VII charged out onto the field, howling and pumping his fist, until he saw that the stadium was still. The runners circled the bases in a strange, respectful silence. Everyone watched quietly as they found Papa Cool’s body, and hauled it back to the dugout on a stretcher.
 

Baseball huddlePapa Cool caught the ball, then died

Papa didn’t move. He wasn’t even breathing. A priest climbed down somberly to administer the Last Rites, and no one in the stadium stirred. The place was so quiet you could hear the priest’s every word.
 
“Blessed Father, I am here with Papa Cool, to unite his spirit with the passion of Christ, in the name of the father, the son, and…wait a minute…what the hell is this?”
 
Juan Bobo ran over as the priest opened Papa’s glove. “Ave Maria Purísima!” yelled the priest. “He caught it…he caught the ball!”
 
The priest waved the baseball and the stadium exploded. Six thousand fans screamed, Old Man Oye fainted, someone banged a Chinese gong, and a dozen kids leaped into right field waving their butterfly nets. A conjunto jumped onto the dugout and belted out a bachata.
 
And so after 522 innings the teams were still deadlocked – in the longest game in baseball history.
 
Juan Bobo started to cry.
 

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Juan Bobo and the Longest       

Game in Baseball History

One day, Juan Bobo brought his friend El Brujo de Guayama (the witch doctor of Guayama) to the stadium.  El Brujo pulled a big black finger out of a coconut and rubbed it over home plate

El brujo de Guayama

The stadium was strange the next day.

Don Q fired his 98 mph heat…and the first batter hit the first pitch. He fired again…and the second batter hit the first pitch.  For the rest of the inning, every batter hit the first pitch. They weren’t all hits and no one scored, but every batter connected on the very first pitch.

It happened to both teams throughout the day. The entire game ran like a runaway train and, when the night lights came on, the scoreboard showed 178 innings.

The opposing team manager, Adam Clayton Powell VI, called a press conference to announce his feeling that “something funny is going on here.”

Powell announces that something funny is going on

The next day, the Barones pitcher quit when he saw a ghost standing next to him on the pitcher’s mound.  Powell called another press conference to announce that the Criollos were not playing fair, and had a recruited a ghost to intimidate his team.

Pressed for details about this ghost – its origin, whereabouts, motives, or financial interest in the Criollos – Powell was uncertain.

Huh?  

Two days later, the Criollos and the Barones were still deadlocked after 317 innings – the longest game in baseball history. 

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Juan bobo

Bobo Gangnam Style

In an effort to discredit Juan Bobo someone is impersonating him, and giving Obba Gangnam Style concerts throughout Puerto Rico. The last one was in the town of Ponce, in the historic Teatro Ateneo.  

Juan Bobo Gangnam StyleGangnam Style in the town of Ponce

The concert arrived with no prior advertising, and Ponce residents were alarmed to see so many Koreans in one place. “I thought they were invading Puerto Rico again,” said Pedro Paramo, the manager of a local Burger King. “Who knows, it might be good for the economy.”  Paramo also noted that, across the street, McDonald’s was selling a PSY burger.

Similarly, San Juan citizens were disturbed to hear that Juan Bobo (or his impersonator) had broken into the horse stables in the Governor’s mansion, to film a music video for his new K-pop album Bobo Gangnam Style.

Juan Bobo Gangnam Style 2Bobo Gangnam Style

Juan Bobo also appeared on SuperXclusivo, the highest-rated TV show in Puerto Rico, to announce his engagement to Kim Hyun-a, otherwise known as the Gangnam Style girl. 

Bobo and Gangnam GirlBobo and the Gangnam Girl 

This has gone far enough. If this man is truly Juan Bobo, it explains why the  Criollos de Caguas have not won a baseball game in two months. As their manager, Juan Bobo must clarify this situation immediately – both to his team, and to the people of Puerto Rico.

If this man is impersonating Juan Bobo, he should be arrested immediately.   

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Juan Bobo, Filadelfo

and His Magic Accordion

Every day, before every game, the Criollos de Caguas had to awaken Filadelfo the accordion player. He was always snoring in right field, wrapped in a tattered blanket, sleeping off a drunk.

Filadelfo had toured with Mantovani, but now he played only one tune when intoxicated – En Mi Viejo San Juan. When very drunk he also remembered fragments of Mendelssohn’s Spring Song.

Filadelfo when sober

As the only high-brow musician in the whole town, Filadelfo possessed a just celebrity. He was brilliant and industrious – his sons and daughters were innumerable – but the artistic temperament was too much for him.

On February 9, 2012, Filadelfo was passed out, and draped like an “L” over a bench. He refused to wake up. But the mayor of Caguas was there for  the big game, so Juan Bobo had no choice, and he ordered the ground crew to throw a bucket of ice water on Filadelfo.

DrunkHe refused to wake up

The accordionist sprang up in a rage, and placed a curse on both teams. “You’re all in a hurry?” he yelled. “Okay, so keep on hurrying!”

From that point on, the baseball game became very strange. Every batter on both teams connected with the first pitch, for either an immediate hit or an immediate out. 

They hit every pitch

The game proceeded at lightning speed and, by the end of the day, the game was tied at 24-24 after 59 innings. The Criollos pitcher Don Q was becoming a nervous wreck, and started drinking Bacardi in the dugout.

Everyone in the stadium had heard Filadelfo, and they started whispering that “the curse of Filadelfo” had taken over the game.

Juan Bobo had never seen anything like it.

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Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club.

The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.

Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.  

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.

This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.

Juan's SpermJuan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.

Hijo de la gran puta!”

“Te corto la cara!”

“Dame mis chavos, maricón!”

A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 

istarWhere’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo