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The Criollos de Caguas

Show Renewed Spirit

CAGUAS, PR  –  The new manager of the Criollos de Caguas, Mr. Juan Bobo, has already had a great impact. Within one week, the entire team has shown a great new competitive spirit.

They all look like winners. Here is their leadoff man, expressing his feelings about a pitch.

Here is their catcher, chasing a foul ball.

Baseball Catcher

Here is the bullpen, showing their support in between innings.

Here is the entire team, inquiring about sleeping accomodations during a double header.

Baseball Brawl

Juan Bobo clearly knows how to motivate a team. We can’t wait for the Puerto Rico winter league season to begin!

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas will continue on these pages.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

The Criollos de Caguas

CAGUAS, PR  –  In preparation for its 2014 season, the Puerto Rican winter baseball league just announced the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas.

As you may have guessed, the new manager is Juan Bobo. The outgoing manager, Adam Clayton Powell VII, was caught by surprise.

Surprised PowellPowell was surprised

According to Powell, “Juan Bobo is a fraud. He knows nothing about baseball. The only way he got this job, was by bribing people in Caguas.”

Santa BoboBobo bribing people in Caguas

Bobo’s first job will be to assist Don Q, the Criollos starting pitcher, with the rehabilitation of his right shoulder.

DrunkDon Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Doctor Virgilio Bobo

When Adam Clayton Powell VI was shot and killed, Juan Bobo left Puerto Rico in    a hurry.  He flew to America and looked up his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo.

electric Bobo

Dr. Bobo was a genius. 

As Director of the Arecibo Radio Telescope, Dr. Bobo appeared in a James Bond movie, two horror films and numerous episodes of the X-Files. He was the extra-terrestrial consultant for the movie Contact. He even substituted for Leonard Nimoy in two episodes of Star Trek

Spock Bobo

The doctor also determined the  rotation rate of the planet Mercury, discovered the  first planets outside our solar system, found the first millisecond pulsar  (20 miles wide and spinning 642 times per second), and detected pre-biotic molecules in the galaxy Arp 220 which is 250 million light years away.

When he left Caguas in 1948, Dr. Bobo was only sixteen and already famous for his knowledge of short-wave radio technology. Now he was a world-famous astronomer, charting our universe as head of the Astrophysics Department at CornellUniversity, which owned the telescope.

So Dr. Bobo was a pretty smart guy.

The Arecibo radio telescope 

To protect his genius and the confidentiality of his findings, they even built a special campus for Dr. Bobo and his many assistants, called CampChesterfield.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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The Mother of All Parties

After 621 innings the Criollos de Caguas finally beat the Barones de Barceloneta, to win the longest game in baseball history.  As manager of the Criollos, Juan Bobo went one step further: he organized what, to this day, is the most famous party in Puerto Rican history.

The word went out immediately and preparations lasted for three days. Old Man Oye dusted his phonograph and picked out his loudest records. Mama Chema baked a tub of beans.  Pots of pork fried rice, basins of steaming shrimp, buckets of cuchifritos kept streaming into Juan’s house. Perníl Rivera, the owner of El Pollo Diablo, killed ten of his largest chickens.

One of the ten chickens

And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Don Q found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs.

The party became so famous, that Juan Bobo even held a press conference over it.

Juan Bobo PartyJuan Bobo announces his party

The party lasted till Saturday, Sunday or Monday – no one is really sure – but what happened there was reported in the San Juan Star, and became a legend throughout Puerto Rico.

Within two hours the party passed into legend. No one could ever give a better one. Such a thing would be unthinkable. Never in the history of Puerto Rico had there been so many fights.

Juan Bobo tried to stop it, but no one would listen. They just wanted to fight.

Juan bobo2“No mas!” said Juan Bobo

The Barónes grabbed Choco by the throat and demanded their money back. Pitrós heaved three Barónes through the front window. Perico sold bad drugs in the bathroom and they stuffed his head in a toilet. El Sapo flew out the front door. Wilson bit their pitcher’s ear. Flaco lost a tooth. No self-respecting man came out of that night without some glorious cuts and bruises. 

The women could not stop laughing. Oh, the laughter of the women!  Thin and delicate and sweet as spun glass, as they kicked whichever man happened to be down. A few ladylike shrieks of protest also fluttered down from the upstairs rooms.

But the party took a wrong turn, when the sheriff shot and killed Adam Clayton Powell VI.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club.

The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.

Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.  

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.

This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.

Juan's SpermJuan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.

Hijo de la gran puta!”

“Te corto la cara!”

“Dame mis chavos, maricón!”

A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 

istarWhere’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo Greets

Adam Clayton Powell VI

Adam Clayton Powell VI was the manager of the Barones de Barceloneta baseball team, and he was a very impressive figure in Puerto Rico.

His father had been a U.S. Congressman, and he had two brothers in the New YorkState legislature. Powell had gone to Harvard, he owned a Pepsi Cola distributorship, and he was the plant manager for Pfizer pharmaceutical in the town of Barceloneta.

All the Viagra consumed in North America was produced in Powell’s little factory.

Powell also loved to appear in the media, and held a press conference about something or other practically every week.

Powell press conference about something or other

On February 12, 2008, Powell marched into Caguas with his baseball team, ten cheerleaders, and a 12-foor African bush elephant. Juan Bobo greeted him wearing a colorful three-cornered hat, and they all marched together down highway PR-95.

Juan the PirateJuan the patriot

There was a funny thing about Juan’s hat. Every ten minutes Juan would turn down one of its corners – then a man would come running out of nowhere, and hand him a bag of cash.

After three men and one priest had done this, Powell was no longer thinking about his baseball team, or even about the elephant. He was perplexed by the hat and couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Huh?  

Finally, Powell made a decision. He ran into the Banco de Ponce, withdrew $5,000 and bought the hat from Juan.

Of course the hat was a fraud, and Juan had staged the whole thing. But Juan figured that any man with a name as arrogant as Adam Clayton Powell VI, deserved whatever he got.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

 

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Juan Bobo Thrills Lajas

“He started spinning at 1:30 p.m.,” said Mayor Simforoso Alicea. That is how everyone described the arrival of the Juan Bobo in the town of Lajas, Puerto Rico on Wednesday, February 20.

Bobo in LajasJuan Bobo spins into Lajas

Minutes later he was thrilling every shopper at Wal-Mart, by announcing all the specials from a modest height. 

Neither the mayor, nor anyone else in the town of Lajas, knows why Juan Bobo decided to spin into town. Juan Bobo left at sundown.

The shoppers went home to watch El Show de Walter Mercado. One shopper stayed behind, staring at the spot where Juan Bobo had disappeared.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo