Posts Tagged ‘Bobo’

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Trailer Park

NEW YORK, NY  – As part of his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo announced a revolutionary housing initiative for the people of  Washington Heights.

Bobo thrilled the crowd with a few card tricks, then yanked a tablecloth and revealed his ultimate miracle: a four-story, pre-fabricated trailer park.

“Now everyone in my district can own a dream home!” shouted Bobo. “Why should rich people have all the fun?” 

The Juan Bobo trailer park

According to Mr. Bobo, any registered Democrat will qualify for a trailer. All they have to do is vote for me.

“I’m bringing congress back to the people,” he said. “And the people want trailer parks.”

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo in Las Vegas

LAS VEGAS, NV  – In a break from his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo took his musical skills to Las Vegas, to appear nightly at the Sands Hotel.

After just two weeks, Juan Bobo is being called “the new Wayne Newton” with such hits as Babalú Bobo, Boogaloo Bobo, Bugle Boy Bobo, and Gangnam Style Bobo.

Bobo also enchants the golden age ladies with classics like Volare and Let the Good Times Roll.

Juan Bobo & Vegas

For a show-stopping finale, the Sands Hotel erected an outdoor tent. The whole audience marches in, sits down, and the spirit of Bobo enters the tent for a stirring rendition of Onward Christian Soldiers. This feat is so spectacular, that audiences have begun arriving from other hotels. 

Juan Bobo CampaignJuan Bobo’s finale at the Sands Hotel

After multiple visits from the Nevada Gaming Commission, no projection or public address system has been found. “I don’t know how to say this,” said Commissioner Tim Beauford, “but Mr. Bobo looks like the real thing.” 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

The Criollos de Caguas

Part II

CAGUAS, PR  –  Juan Bobo, the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas baseball team, has just announced his new line-up for the 2014 season.

“We are in a building year,” said Bobo. “The emphasis will be on youth and career promise.”

When reporters pointed out that the new players looked a little too young, Bobo responded “tell that to Vince Lombardi. Recruit the athlete, not the position.”

Criollos De CaguasThe new Criollos de Caguas

Bobo pointed out that his pitching staff is still stacked with veterans.

“Our starting pitcher, Don Q, will set the standard for the entire team, “said Bobo. “We will all benefit from his baseball wisdom…both on and off the field.”

Don Q is still undergoing shoulder rehab, and was not available for comment.

DrunkDon Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Doctor Virgilio Bobo

When Adam Clayton Powell VI was shot and killed, Juan Bobo left Puerto Rico in    a hurry.  He flew to America and looked up his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo.

electric Bobo

Dr. Bobo was a genius. 

As Director of the Arecibo Radio Telescope, Dr. Bobo appeared in a James Bond movie, two horror films and numerous episodes of the X-Files. He was the extra-terrestrial consultant for the movie Contact. He even substituted for Leonard Nimoy in two episodes of Star Trek

Spock Bobo

The doctor also determined the  rotation rate of the planet Mercury, discovered the  first planets outside our solar system, found the first millisecond pulsar  (20 miles wide and spinning 642 times per second), and detected pre-biotic molecules in the galaxy Arp 220 which is 250 million light years away.

When he left Caguas in 1948, Dr. Bobo was only sixteen and already famous for his knowledge of short-wave radio technology. Now he was a world-famous astronomer, charting our universe as head of the Astrophysics Department at CornellUniversity, which owned the telescope.

So Dr. Bobo was a pretty smart guy.

The Arecibo radio telescope 

To protect his genius and the confidentiality of his findings, they even built a special campus for Dr. Bobo and his many assistants, called CampChesterfield.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Falls Victim to

Creative Visualization

LONDON, U.K. – A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

The Puerto Rican found an abandoned copy of Shakti Gawain’s Creative Visualization on a New York City subway train.

He started to practice all the affirmations, meditations and Chakra exercises in the book.

He became particularly adept at the Pink Bubble Technique…where you surround your fantasy with a pink bubble, and let it go into the universe.

Juan Bobo became so good at it, that whatever he asked for, the Pink Bubble would get it for him.

Bobo gets a chihuahua

One night he got drunk and asked for something ridiculous.

He can’t remember what it was…but for the past three days, Juan Bobo has been floating over the Thames River.

Moon Leo

 

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Juan bobo

Judge Juan Bobo 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Juan Bobo has been appointed as a Federal judge, in the Southern District of New York.

His first case involved three thieving politicians from WashingtonHeights, who have been stealing from people for the last twenty years.

One of them is already in jail.

Judge Bobo

Bobo banged his gavel on all of them.

P’al carajo!”  he said, and sent them all where they belong.

3 amigos

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Fifty Shades of Juan Bobo

One day, while the Criollos were losing by 13-2 to the second-worst team in the league, Juan Bobo caught his shortstop reading Fifty Shades of Grey in the dugout.  Juan fined him $100 and snatched it away.

It sounded like a book on interior decorating but, as he flipped through it, Juan became very disturbed.

Ai coño,” he said. 

The book was about spanking – Juan found this shocking, barbaric, and he had stopped doing it a long time ago. He refused to participate in any degradation of women, regardless of what his family said.

Juan’s great grandfather, Juan Bobo Camacho, built a cattle empire based on discipline and family values. 

Juan Bobo 1

His grandfather, the Rev. Bobo Bautista, performed 14 exorcisms and saved dozens of women from eternal damnation

Juan Bobo Spanking

Juan’s father was an accountant. He did the best he could. 

Juan Bobo Spanking 2

But Juan had put all this behind him. He threw away the book and gave it no further thought. Then a week later at LuisMuñozMarínAirport, Juan Bobo saw the graphic novel version of Fifty Shades.

Fifty Shades Of Juan Bobo

Juan bought the book and was shocked all over again. The story was poorly written, but the real problem was the spanking techniques. They were exactly the ones his father had used. Scene after scene – the entire book – was based on the Bobo spanking style.

This was too much for Juan. The Yánquis had stolen his island, his farm lands, heritage and history – and now the Bobo family spanking techniques. They sold 65 million books and gave nothing back.  So Juan sued Random House, and demanded some money for his baseball field.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo’s Bachelor Pad

EAST HARLEM, NY – Juan Bobo was invaded by the Sanitation Department of NYC last week.

An anonymous caller complained of a foul smell coming from his Washington Heights apartment.

When the garbage men arrived they found mountains of boxes; towers of newspapers and books; heaps of chandeliers, sofas and debris; human limbs and organs (including a pickled kidney); a Robert Morton Wonder Organ with twin pipe chambers; and a Model T Ford.

A dead man was found in a closet. 

A dog was found beneath two tons of Carolina rice.

In all, they found 200,000 pounds of garbage in Bobo’s apartment. It was piled nine feet high, and had to be evacuated through the building windows.

Collyer

The fire and police departments had to pass garbage up to the roof.      

Removing garbage through the roof

Three fork lift trucks had to haul Bobo’s garbage away, for an entire month.

We do not believe this was Juan Bobo’s garbage. There were no Coronas, matzoh balls, or bottles of coquito.

This is part of the ongoing plot to discredit Juan Bobo, the only Puerto Rican worth voting for.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo Einstein 

NEW YORK CITY – The McCarthur Foundation has just conferred a genius grant on Juan Bobo.

For the next three years, he won’t have to do anything except lie around the house, and think up some stupid shit.

This is pretty much what he’s been doing all his life, except now he’ll get paid for it.

electric BoboOfficially a genius

Though still in hiding from the FBI, Mr. Bobo was able to communicate through a confidential source in East Harlem.

“I am happy to receive this grant,” he said. “And like all the other geniuses, I am honored to lie around the house, collect my grant money, and do nothing.”

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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The Juan Bobo School

of Government Reform

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Juan Bobo has opened a new school which uses all the latest tools of educational reform.

It is a school for politicians and it helps them to do their jobs properly.

Bobo uses smart boards, interactive video, computer distance learning…but so far, the most successful methods are rather old-fashioned.  

JUAN BOBO’S Old-fashioned teaching TOOLS

Apparently, physical torture is the best way to get politicians to do their job, and to stop stealing from the people that elected them.

“The bastinado is my favorite,” says Bobo. “When they’re hanging upside down, they start to get real cooperative.”

Here is Juan Bobo teaching a Republican Congressman from Arizona, why our children need textbooks in New York:

medieval Torture

Juan Bobo is a true government reformer, and we heartily agree with his methods.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo