Posts Tagged ‘Caguas’

Juan bobo

The Criollos de Caguas

CAGUAS, PR  –  In preparation for its 2014 season, the Puerto Rican winter baseball league just announced the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas.

As you may have guessed, the new manager is Juan Bobo. The outgoing manager, Adam Clayton Powell VII, was caught by surprise.

Surprised PowellPowell was surprised

According to Powell, “Juan Bobo is a fraud. He knows nothing about baseball. The only way he got this job, was by bribing people in Caguas.”

Santa BoboBobo bribing people in Caguas

Bobo’s first job will be to assist Don Q, the Criollos starting pitcher, with the rehabilitation of his right shoulder.

DrunkDon Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Doctor Virgilio Bobo

When Adam Clayton Powell VI was shot and killed, Juan Bobo left Puerto Rico in    a hurry.  He flew to America and looked up his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo.

electric Bobo

Dr. Bobo was a genius. 

As Director of the Arecibo Radio Telescope, Dr. Bobo appeared in a James Bond movie, two horror films and numerous episodes of the X-Files. He was the extra-terrestrial consultant for the movie Contact. He even substituted for Leonard Nimoy in two episodes of Star Trek

Spock Bobo

The doctor also determined the  rotation rate of the planet Mercury, discovered the  first planets outside our solar system, found the first millisecond pulsar  (20 miles wide and spinning 642 times per second), and detected pre-biotic molecules in the galaxy Arp 220 which is 250 million light years away.

When he left Caguas in 1948, Dr. Bobo was only sixteen and already famous for his knowledge of short-wave radio technology. Now he was a world-famous astronomer, charting our universe as head of the Astrophysics Department at CornellUniversity, which owned the telescope.

So Dr. Bobo was a pretty smart guy.

The Arecibo radio telescope 

To protect his genius and the confidentiality of his findings, they even built a special campus for Dr. Bobo and his many assistants, called CampChesterfield.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Escapes

from Puerto Rico

It was a shame, really. After winning the longest game in baseball history, Juan Bobo organized the most famous party in Puerto Rico. He brought in musicians, prostitutes, roast suckling pig, and his own special rum.

 

Don Q Bobo

 
Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Bambino found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs. And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan was ready for anything. He even built a special bar for the occasion.
 

Juan Bobo 3

 
A few fights broke out, but no self-respecting Puerto Rican party would be complete without them. In fact, the mayor of Caguas and two priests were there, and they  joined in the fights, too. 
 
Juan even gave a special performance of Celia Cruz’s greatest hits.
 

Juan Bobo CruzAzucar  !

 
And so it was a shame, really, that Adam Clayton Powell VI got into an argument with Juan Bobo, and the sheriff of Caguas shot Powell in the face. The party didn’t last much longer after that, and there was a lot of leftover chicken.
 
Powell ran down a dusty road, and died a hundred feet from Juan’s house. The sheriff (a.k.a. Papo Bullshit) advised Juan to leave Puerto Rico in a hurry, and Juan agreed.
 
When they reached the airport, they hugged quickly and quietly since there was no time for sentiment. As he looked at Juan for the last time, Papo made the sign of the cross and asked for God’s protection. Then he told Juan to be strong, to play  hard, that el béisbol is about taking your best cut and swinging from the heels, because America is all curveballs.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club.

The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.

Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.  

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.

This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.

Juan's SpermJuan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.

Hijo de la gran puta!”

“Te corto la cara!”

“Dame mis chavos, maricón!”

A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 

istarWhere’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Shoots his Twin Brother 

CAGUAS, P.R. – Juan Bobo fatally shot his twin brother with a .38-caliber revolver during an altercation in their shared Caguas womb.

This same Bobo is wanted by the FBI, for illegal DNA experiments which he conducted in a South Bronx basement.

Pursuant to Section 215 of the Patriot Act and Section 501 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), records were recently forwarded to the Pentagon, U. S. wire services, and the National Enquirer.

Found in the basement of a Caguas, Puerto Rico police precinct, these records prove that the Juan Bobo was a pre-natal terrorist.

womb shootingManos arriba!

According to the police records, Ms. Maria Bobo was awakened at 4 a.m. on September 15, 2013 by a scuffle in her uterus.

She dismissed it as routine kicking, but 30 minutes later she heard three pistol shots.

Forensic x-rays revealed that the unborn gunman  –  identified as a five-inch fetus with no eyes or hair  –  shot his brother twice in what eventually would have become his heart.

After a tense four-hour standoff, the fetus threw out his weapon when police threatened to induce labor.

Police spokesmen denied the use of tear gas, and a forced C-section was impossible, due to a power outage at CaguasMunicipalHospital.

The fetus was a member of the Puerto Rican Socialist Party, which later claimed credit for the power outage in the San Juan Star.

police sceneThe scene of the crime

The mother was unharmed in the shooting. Two bullets lodged themselves in the twin brother. 

A third passed harmlessly through her birth canal and killed a rooster.

The fetus did not emerge from the crime scene, but a court-appointed lawyer said the fetus would surrender himself peacefully, upon post-partum separation from his mother. 

“This whole tragic chain of events is hard to comprehend,” said Caguas mayor Simforoso Alicea.

“Where did we as a community fail this unborn fetus? Could parents have done a better job of conceiving, carrying, and pre-natally educating it? And how did the fetus get access to firearms?” 

According to Caguas police, the fetus used a revolver registered to his father.

On advice of attorney Yonosay Nada, Esq., the fetus offered no comment on the shooting. 

Due to his client’s fetal position, Nada invoked the law of habeus corpus and Sections 1 through 69 of the Napoleonic Code.

Upon remand to Casos Juveniles de Caguas, the case was adjourned in contemplation of dismissal.

This pre-natal terrorist, Juan Bobo, is now at large.

The latest photo of him appeared on a t-shirt:

Bobo Shirt

 

Should you happen to see Juan Bobo, please notify the FBI or this page immediately.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

The Elephant Arrives 

The Barones de Barceloneta arrived in Caguas with a marching band, ten cheerleaders, and a 12-foot African bush elephant.

The elephant marched down PR-95, where he backed up traffic for three miles. Even though he was the mascot for the opposing team, everyone wanted to touch the elephant.

The elephant marches down PR-95, which resembles Mumbai

When they arrived at the Caguas stadium the elephant reared up on its hind legs, then took the first ceremonial swing.

ElephantThe elephant takes the first swing

Juan Bobo didn’t appreciate this grandstanding by the visiting team, but he was ordered to keep his mouth shut. The elephant was bringing fans to the game.

However, when a stink rose from behind the Criollos dugout, Juan had had enough. He phoned the team owner to say “either the elephant goes, or I go.”  This was not a smart move on Juan’s part. 

The elephant undermines the Criollos’ morale

The elephant had doubled the stadium receipts – and so the team owner and the baseball commissioner quickly informed Juan that he could start packing, because the elephant was doing more for the team than Juan was.

The elephant was so popular, that next year the Criollos de Caguas were getting their very own elephant.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Fights a Ghost

On February 7, 2008, at the stroke of midnight, a horse-drawn carriage tore through the streets of Caguas, Puerto Rico. It carried a headless bride through Calle Tudor and Calle Windsor, and deposited her on the steps of 90 Calle Luxemburgo.

The headless bride, stuck in traffic

90 Calle Luxemburgo is an enormous McMansion owned by Mr. Jascha Heifitz, Jr.  His wife was alone that night and when the headless bride flew in, Mrs. Heifitz started screaming.

Within a matter of minutes, the top exorcist in Puerto Rico arrived at the scene. He looked like Abraham Lincoln, vampire hunter as he yelled “Stay back, madam! I’ll take care of this!”

The exorcist was none other than Juan Bobo.

Juan Bobo GSIJuan Bobo, GSI

He called himself Juan Bobo, GSI (Ghost Scene Investigator) and he got right to work…chased the headless ghost upstairs, and trapped her in the master bedroom.

Furniture flew. Mirrors cracked. A Manolo Blahnik boot, a bidet, and a Nicholas Sparks novel flew out the window.  “P’afuera, you white demon!” yelled Juan, and chased her around the bed, until the ghost finally flew away.

Ms. Heifitz was very impressed. She fixed Juan a gin and tonic, asked him to stay awhile, and Juan was forced to work overtime. 

The headless bride terrorized many other streets, and many other lonely women in the town of Caguas. But Juan Bobo, GSI was always there to save them. 

He was always available for an exorcism, a house cleaning, or a hug.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and His    

Criollos de Caguas 

Juan Bobo managed the Criollos de Caguas, the worst team in the Puerto Rico winter baseball league. The Criollos had won fourteen Puerto Rico pennants and three Caribbean World Series, but you’d never know it by this bunch.

Don Q, the starting pitcher, had a 98 mph fast ball but was usually half-drunk and utterly unpredictable. 

DrunkThe starting pitcher Don Q 

Pitrós, the catcher, had a huge family to feed and was the hardest working Criollo. He had two concussions and four cracked ribs from defending home plate

Pitrós saves a run, cracks a rib

Flaco Navaja, the first baseman, was very mean-tempered and known to stab base runners.

Flaco feels he was safe    

Perico had a cocaine habit and autonomic dysreflexia, which sent him into seizures at shortstop. This was helpful in hit and run situations but otherwise useless.

Perico the shortstop     

Wilson the third baseman had no arm, was the worst fielder on the team, but had an uncanny ability to steal running signals and the other team’s equipment. Thanks to Wilson, most of the games ended in an all-out brawl.

Wilson steals home, then home plate, then a catcher’s mitt

The Criollos didn’t mind getting arrested because the sheriff of Caguas served good wine in his prison. But Juan Bobo was running out of bail money.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo (not) on HBO

“New York…just like I pictured it…skyscrapers and everythang.”

With no money in his pocket, Juan Bobo became quite desperate. He saw a classified ad for “sparring partners” and figured what the hell, he could take a punch or two.

He didn’t know that he’d sparring with Miguel Cotto who is also from Caguas, but a somewhat better fighter.

Juan got hired. The sparring match began. Juan got in a punch or two, but when a gash opened over Cotto’s left eye, the man went crazy on poor Juan.

“You weren’t supposed to cut me, pendejo!” yelled Cotto, as he beat Juan senseless.

juan bob PunchMiguel Cotto says hello

Juan’s sparring career lasted two rounds. They didn’t even pay him. It’s safe to say, you will not see Juan Bobo on HBO Sports anytime soon.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Escapes

from Puerto Rico

It was a shame, really. After winning the longest game in baseball history, Juan Bobo organized the most famous party in Puerto Rico. He brought in musicians, prostitutes, roast suckling pig, and his own special rum.
 

Don Q Bobo

 

Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Bambino found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs. And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan was ready for anything. He even built a special bar for the occasion.
 

Juan Bobo 3

 
A few fights broke out, but no self-respecting Puerto Rican party would be complete without them. In fact, the mayor of Caguas and two priests were there, and they  joined in the fights, too. 
 
Juan even gave a special performance of Celia Cruz’s greatest hits.
 

Juan Bobo CruzAzucar  !

 
And so it was a shame, really, that Adam Clayton Powell VI got into an argument with Juan Bobo, and the sheriff of Caguas shot Powell in the face. The party didn’t last much longer after that, and there was a lot of leftover chicken.
 
Powell ran down a dusty road, and died a hundred feet from Juan’s house. The sheriff (a.k.a. Papo Bullshit) advised Juan to leave Puerto Rico in a hurry, and Juan agreed.
 
When they reached the airport, they hugged quickly and quietly since there was no time for sentiment. As he looked at Juan for the last time, Papo made the sign of the cross and asked for God’s protection. Then he told Juan to be strong, to play  hard, that el béisbol is about taking your best cut and swinging from the heels, because America is all curveballs.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo