Posts Tagged ‘Criollo’

Juan bobo

The Criollos de Caguas

Part II

CAGUAS, PR  –  Juan Bobo, the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas baseball team, has just announced his new line-up for the 2014 season.

“We are in a building year,” said Bobo. “The emphasis will be on youth and career promise.”

When reporters pointed out that the new players looked a little too young, Bobo responded “tell that to Vince Lombardi. Recruit the athlete, not the position.”

Criollos De CaguasThe new Criollos de Caguas

Bobo pointed out that his pitching staff is still stacked with veterans.

“Our starting pitcher, Don Q, will set the standard for the entire team, “said Bobo. “We will all benefit from his baseball wisdom…both on and off the field.”

Don Q is still undergoing shoulder rehab, and was not available for comment.

DrunkDon Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan bobo

The Elephant Arrives 

The Barones de Barceloneta arrived in Caguas with a marching band, ten cheerleaders, and a 12-foot African bush elephant.

The elephant marched down PR-95, where he backed up traffic for three miles. Even though he was the mascot for the opposing team, everyone wanted to touch the elephant.

The elephant marches down PR-95, which resembles Mumbai

When they arrived at the Caguas stadium the elephant reared up on its hind legs, then took the first ceremonial swing.

ElephantThe elephant takes the first swing

Juan Bobo didn’t appreciate this grandstanding by the visiting team, but he was ordered to keep his mouth shut. The elephant was bringing fans to the game.

However, when a stink rose from behind the Criollos dugout, Juan had had enough. He phoned the team owner to say “either the elephant goes, or I go.”  This was not a smart move on Juan’s part. 

The elephant undermines the Criollos’ morale

The elephant had doubled the stadium receipts – and so the team owner and the baseball commissioner quickly informed Juan that he could start packing, because the elephant was doing more for the team than Juan was.

The elephant was so popular, that next year the Criollos de Caguas were getting their very own elephant.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and His    

Criollos de Caguas 

Juan Bobo managed the Criollos de Caguas, the worst team in the Puerto Rico winter baseball league. The Criollos had won fourteen Puerto Rico pennants and three Caribbean World Series, but you’d never know it by this bunch.

Don Q, the starting pitcher, had a 98 mph fast ball but was usually half-drunk and utterly unpredictable. 

DrunkThe starting pitcher Don Q 

Pitrós, the catcher, had a huge family to feed and was the hardest working Criollo. He had two concussions and four cracked ribs from defending home plate

Pitrós saves a run, cracks a rib

Flaco Navaja, the first baseman, was very mean-tempered and known to stab base runners.

Flaco feels he was safe    

Perico had a cocaine habit and autonomic dysreflexia, which sent him into seizures at shortstop. This was helpful in hit and run situations but otherwise useless.

Perico the shortstop     

Wilson the third baseman had no arm, was the worst fielder on the team, but had an uncanny ability to steal running signals and the other team’s equipment. Thanks to Wilson, most of the games ended in an all-out brawl.

Wilson steals home, then home plate, then a catcher’s mitt

The Criollos didn’t mind getting arrested because the sheriff of Caguas served good wine in his prison. But Juan Bobo was running out of bail money.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Throws the    

Mother of All Parties

After 621 innings the Criollos de Caguas finally beat the Barones de Barceloneta, to win the longest game in baseball history.  As manager of the Criollos, Juan Bobo went one step further: he organized what, to this day, is the most famous party in Puerto Rican history.
 
The word went out immediately and preparations lasted for three days. Old Man Oye dusted his phonograph and picked out his loudest records. Mama Chema baked a tub of beans.  Pots of pork fried rice, basins of steaming shrimp, buckets of cuchifritos kept streaming into Juan’s house. Perníl Rivera, the owner of El Pollo Diablo, killed ten of his largest chickens.
 

One of the ten chickens

And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Don Q found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs.
 
The party became so famous, that Juan Bobo even held a press conference over it.
 

Juan Bobo PartyJuan Bobo announces his party

The party lasted till Saturday, Sunday or Monday – no one is really sure – but what happened there was reported in the San Juan Star, and became a legend throughout Puerto Rico.
 
Within two hours the party passed into legend. No one could ever give a better one. Such a thing would be unthinkable. Never in the history of Puerto Rico had there been so many fights.
 
Juan Bobo tried to stop it, but no one would listen. They just wanted to fight.
 

Juan bobo2“No mas!” said Juan Bobo

The Barónes grabbed Choco by the throat and demanded their money back. Pitrós heaved three Barónes through the front window. Perico sold bad drugs in the bathroom and they stuffed his head in a toilet. El Sapo flew out the front door. Wilson bit their pitcher’s ear. Flaco lost a tooth. No self-respecting man came out of that night without some glorious cuts and bruises.
 

The women could not stop laughing. Oh, the laughter of the women!  Thin and delicate and sweet as spun glass, as they kicked whichever man happened to be down. A few ladylike shrieks of protest also fluttered down from the upstairs rooms. 
 
But the party took a wrong turn, when the sheriff shot and killed Adam Clayton Powell VI.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon      

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club. 
 
The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.
 
Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.
 

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah  

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.
 
This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.
 

Bobo Sperm

Juan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.
 
Hijo de la gran puta!”
 
“Te corto la cara!”
 
“Dame mis chavos, maricón!” 
 
A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 
 

Where’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and His Baseball Stadium

Criollos de Caguas had a very colorful baseball stadium.
 
Fifty skinny boys sat on the right field wall. They shimmied up a palm tree and waved dozens of broomsticks with butterfly nets on the end. They rarely got a ball, though. The Criollos de Caguas had not hit a home run in two years.
 
The field was full of holes, ruts, and countless other hazards. An ant colony wiggled under first base. Insects bigger than silver dollars bounced off the bulbs and zoomed around all the players. Two panels behind home plate were covered with cardboard. 
 

Out in right field, just below the butterfly nets, a sloping mound of red dirt served as the outfield fence and behind it (to keep out the boys) a twelve-foot wall of barbed wire topped a pile of garbage cans filled with broken beer bottles and a narrow hole, partially covered with Johnson grass, that was home to a rattlesnake.

The outfield snake 

Way out in left field lay Filadelfo the accordion player, wrapped in a tattered blanket, sleeping off a drunk. Filadelfo had toured with Mantovani, but now he played only one tune when intoxicated – En Mi Viejo San Juan. When very drunk he also remembered fragments of Mendelssohn’s Spring Song.
 
Filadelfo was the starting pitcher’s twin brother, and people often confused the two.
 

Juan Bobo & Don QFiladelfo the accordion player

The field was so run down, and the Criollos lost so many games, that people told Juan Bobo he should quit trying to manage them and find a real job.
 
But Juan loved baseball. It was a great game for redemption, since it was so full of failure. Just like life.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

    

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and His Criollos de Caguas


Juan Bobo managed the Criollos de Caguas, the worst team in the Puerto Rico winter baseball league. The Criollos had won fourteen Puerto Rico pennants and three Caribbean World Series, but you’d never know it by this bunch.
 
Don Q, the starting pitcher, had a 98 mph fast ball but was usually half-drunk and utterly unpredictable.
 

Juan Bobo & Don QThe starting pitcher Don Q 

Pitrós, the catcher, had a huge family to feed and was the hardest working Criollo. He had two concussions and four cracked ribs from defending home plate.
 

Pitrós saves a run, cracks a rib

Flaco Navaja, the first baseman, was very mean-tempered and known to stab base runners.
 

Flaco feels he was safe

Perico had a cocaine habit and autonomic dysreflexia, which sent him into seizures at shortstop. This was helpful in hit and run situations but otherwise useless.
 

Perico the shortstop

Wilson the third baseman had no arm, was the worst fielder on the team, but had an uncanny ability to steal running signals and the other team’s equipment. Thanks to Wilson, most of the games ended in an all-out brawl.
 

Wilson steals home, then home plate, then a catcher’s mitt

The Criollos didn’t mind getting arrested because the sheriff of Caguas served good wine in his prison. But Juan Bobo was running out of bail money.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo