Trailer Park

Juan Bobo Trailer Park

NEW YORK, NY  – As part of his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo announced a revolutionary housing initiative for the people of  Washington Heights.

Bobo thrilled the crowd with a few card tricks, then yanked a tablecloth and revealed his ultimate miracle: a four-story, pre-fabricated trailer park.

“Now everyone in my district can own a dream home!” shouted Bobo. “Why should rich people have all the fun?” 

The Juan Bobo trailer park

According to Mr. Bobo, any registered Democrat will qualify for a trailer. All they have to do is vote for me.

“I’m bringing congress back to the people,” he said. “And the people want trailer parks.”

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Las Vegas

Juan Bobo in Las Vegas

LAS VEGAS, NV  – In a break from his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo took his musical skills to Las Vegas, to appear nightly at the Sands Hotel.

After just two weeks, Juan Bobo is being called “the new Wayne Newton” with such hits as Babalú Bobo, Boogaloo Bobo, Bugle Boy Bobo, and Gangnam Style Bobo.

Bobo also enchants the golden age ladies with classics like Volare and Let the Good Times Roll.

For a show-stopping finale, the Sands Hotel erected an outdoor tent. The whole audience marches in, sits down, and the spirit of Bobo enters the tent for a stirring rendition of Onward Christian Soldiers. This feat is so spectacular, that audiences have begun arriving from other hotels. 

Juan Bobo’s finale at the Sands Hotel

After multiple visits from the Nevada Gaming Commission, no projection or public address system has been found. “I don’t know how to say this,” said Commissioner Tim Beauford, “but Mr. Bobo looks like the real thing.” 

The Truman Assassination Attempt

Juan Bobo History Lesson:

The Truman Assassination Attempt

^{On November 1, 1950, two men attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman. It was a desperate effort to turn the world’s attention to the U.S. colonial regime in Puerto Rico.}

^{The attempt failed. Griselio Torresola was killed, Oscar Collazo was shot in the chest, and a policeman was killed.}

^{For a one-sided newsreel about the assassination attempt, brought to you by the Liberty National Insurance Company, see here:} 

Pablo Casals

Juan Bobo History Lesson:

 Pablo Casals

Pablo Casals was the pre-eminent cellist of the first half of the 20th century, and one of the greatest cellists of all time.

He made many recordings throughout his career, of solo, chamber, and orchestral music, also as conductor, but he is perhaps best remembered for the recordings of the Bach Cello Suites he made from 1936 to 1939.

Pablo Casals’ mother was from Mayaguez, Puerto Rico. He married Marta Montañez y Martinez, a Puerto Rican woman, and lived in Puerto Rico the last 17 years of his life. He made an impact in the Puerto Rican music scene by founding the Puerto Rico Symphony Orchestra in 1958, and the Conservatory of Music of Puerto Rico in 1959.

In 1956 he founded the Casals Music Festival, which continues to be held yearly in San Juan. Here is film clip, of Casals playing the Bach Suite No. 1:

Criollos de Caguas Show Renewed Spirit

The Criollos de Caguas

Show Renewed Spirit

CAGUAS, PR  –  The new manager of the Criollos de Caguas, Mr. Juan Bobo, has already had a great impact. Within one week, the entire team has shown a great new competitive spirit.

They all look like winners. Here is their leadoff man, expressing his feelings about a pitch.

Here is their catcher, chasing a foul ball.

Here is the bullpen, showing their support in between innings.

Here is the entire team, inquiring about sleeping accomodations during a double header.

Juan Bobo clearly knows how to motivate a team. We can’t wait for the Puerto Rico winter league season to begin!

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas will continue on these pages.

The Criollos de Caguas Part II

The Criollos de Caguas

Part II

CAGUAS, PR  –  Juan Bobo, the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas baseball team, has just announced his new line-up for the 2014 season.

“We are in a building year,” said Bobo. “The emphasis will be on youth and career promise.”

When reporters pointed out that the new players looked a little too young, Bobo responded “tell that to Vince Lombardi. Recruit the athlete, not the position.”

The new Criollos de Caguas

Bobo pointed out that his pitching staff is still stacked with veterans.

“Our starting pitcher, Don Q, will set the standard for the entire team, “said Bobo. “We will all benefit from his baseball wisdom…both on and off the field.”

Don Q is still undergoing shoulder rehab, and was not available for comment.

Don Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

The Criollos de Caguas

The Criollos de Caguas

CAGUAS, PR  –  In preparation for its 2014 season, the Puerto Rican winter baseball league just announced the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas.

As you may have guessed, the new manager is Juan Bobo. The outgoing manager, Adam Clayton Powell VII, was caught by surprise.

Powell was surprised

According to Powell, “Juan Bobo is a fraud. He knows nothing about baseball. The only way he got this job, was by bribing people in Caguas.”

Bobo bribing people in Caguas

Bobo’s first job will be to assist Don Q, the Criollos starting pitcher, with the rehabilitation of his right shoulder.

Don Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

Cotto vs. Juan Bobo

Cotto vs. Juan Bobo

YANKEE STADIUM   –  Here is the fight we’ve all been waiting for.

Juan Bobo lost a 12-round thriller to Miguel Cotto last year, but next month is the grudge match.

“I’m going to go Rambo on him,” said Juan, “and then I’m going to go Antonio Margarito.”    

The 12^th round of their previous fight

Though Cotto is a  28-1  favorite, Juan has been training in the Isla del Carajo gym…the most rigorous and spartan gym in the world.

Two world-class heavyweights have died in Isla Del Carajo, as a result of the brutal training methods employed by their staff.

The Isla del Carajo gym 

When asked his training regimen at Isla del Carajo, Juan said “they taught me how to kill my opponent.”

Juan Bobo then refused further comment. 

Anti-Aging Drug

Juan Bobo Develops

Anti-Aging Drug 

STATEN ISLAND, NY – Juan Bobo has developed a revolutionary Coquito drink.  It contains the usual rum, Coco Lopez and Carnation evaporated milk…but according to the Puerto Rican, it also contains “a Jack LaLanne Hormone which adds 30 years to your life.”

This claim was recently tested by Dr. Claire Richmond, Chief of Internal Medicine at Staten IslandUniversityHospital. Within ten minutes, Dr. Richmond performed a scene from Rocky and invested $200,000 in the Puerto Rican’s company.

The Coquito works within minutes

Also skeptical was Prof. Tomás Morales, President of the College of Staten Island. After half a cup of Coquito, the professor performed handstands for nearly an hour.

Professor Morales points his toes

According to the Staten Island Advance, the Coquito formula is already under exclusive patent, and Bobo will be a billionaire within five years.

Juan Bobo drinks six glasses of Coquito a day. He was last seen doing 500 laps in the McBurney YMCA swimming pool.

 

Invades Camp Chesterfield

Juan Bobo Invades

Camp Chesterfield

As far as Juan Bobo knew, CampChesterfield was a high-security scientific research facility run by his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo. But when he arrived at the camp, Juan Bobo saw this:

The main entrance looked like this:

Juan walked in and saw a pet cemetery, a fairy trail, a fountain of memory, an inspiration stump, and a Trail of Religions with statues of ten religious leaders including Siddhartha, Lao Tse, Abraham, and Zoroaster.

The Trail of Religions

He saw a Mother Mary statue, a stone pyramid, a totem pole, eight wooden toads, a Buddhist named Quan Yin, and a glow-in-the-dark Jesus whose arms moved up and down.

Camp Chesterfield had twenty religions all piled on top of each other like a stack of pancakes. Somewhere in there, Juan Bobo sensed a metaphor.

The most baffling feature of the camp, was a spiritual chair in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Bobo didn’t last long in this camp. Due to some unfortunate events which were not his fault, Juan was encouraged to seek his fortunes elsewhere.

With two dead women behind him, and the police on his tail, Juan Bobo left Camp Chesterfield behind – and set out to discover America.