Posts Tagged ‘Juan’

Juan bobo

Cotto vs. Juan Bobo

YANKEE STADIUM   –  Here is the fight we’ve all been waiting for.

Juan Bobo lost a 12-round thriller to Miguel Cotto last year, but next month is the grudge match.

“I’m going to go Rambo on him,” said Juan, “and then I’m going to go Antonio Margarito.”    

bobo knock out punchThe 12th round of their previous fight

Though Cotto is a  28-1  favorite, Juan has been training in the Isla del Carajo gym…the most rigorous and spartan gym in the world.

Two world-class heavyweights have died in Isla Del Carajo, as a result of the brutal training methods employed by their staff.

Bobo's GymThe Isla del Carajo gym 

When asked his training regimen at Isla del Carajo, Juan said “they taught me how to kill my opponent.”

Juan Bobo then refused further comment. 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Invades

Camp Chesterfield

As far as Juan Bobo knew, CampChesterfield was a high-security scientific research facility run by his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo. But when he arrived at the camp, Juan Bobo saw this:

Camp Cesterfield

The main entrance looked like this:

Juan walked in and saw a pet cemetery, a fairy trail, a fountain of memory, an inspiration stump, and a Trail of Religions with statues of ten religious leaders including Siddhartha, Lao Tse, Abraham, and Zoroaster.

The Trail of Religions

He saw a Mother Mary statue, a stone pyramid, a totem pole, eight wooden toads, a Buddhist named Quan Yin, and a glow-in-the-dark Jesus whose arms moved up and down.

Camp Chesterfield had twenty religions all piled on top of each other like a stack of pancakes. Somewhere in there, Juan Bobo sensed a metaphor.

The most baffling feature of the camp, was a spiritual chair in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Bobo didn’t last long in this camp. Due to some unfortunate events which were not his fault, Juan was encouraged to seek his fortunes elsewhere.

With two dead women behind him, and the police on his tail, Juan Bobo left Camp Chesterfield behind – and set out to discover America. 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Escapes

from Puerto Rico

It was a shame, really. After winning the longest game in baseball history, Juan Bobo organized the most famous party in Puerto Rico. He brought in musicians, prostitutes, roast suckling pig, and his own special rum.

 

Don Q Bobo

 
Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Bambino found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs. And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan was ready for anything. He even built a special bar for the occasion.
 

Juan Bobo 3

 
A few fights broke out, but no self-respecting Puerto Rican party would be complete without them. In fact, the mayor of Caguas and two priests were there, and they  joined in the fights, too. 
 
Juan even gave a special performance of Celia Cruz’s greatest hits.
 

Juan Bobo CruzAzucar  !

 
And so it was a shame, really, that Adam Clayton Powell VI got into an argument with Juan Bobo, and the sheriff of Caguas shot Powell in the face. The party didn’t last much longer after that, and there was a lot of leftover chicken.
 
Powell ran down a dusty road, and died a hundred feet from Juan’s house. The sheriff (a.k.a. Papo Bullshit) advised Juan to leave Puerto Rico in a hurry, and Juan agreed.
 
When they reached the airport, they hugged quickly and quietly since there was no time for sentiment. As he looked at Juan for the last time, Papo made the sign of the cross and asked for God’s protection. Then he told Juan to be strong, to play  hard, that el béisbol is about taking your best cut and swinging from the heels, because America is all curveballs.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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The Mother of All Parties

After 621 innings the Criollos de Caguas finally beat the Barones de Barceloneta, to win the longest game in baseball history.  As manager of the Criollos, Juan Bobo went one step further: he organized what, to this day, is the most famous party in Puerto Rican history.

The word went out immediately and preparations lasted for three days. Old Man Oye dusted his phonograph and picked out his loudest records. Mama Chema baked a tub of beans.  Pots of pork fried rice, basins of steaming shrimp, buckets of cuchifritos kept streaming into Juan’s house. Perníl Rivera, the owner of El Pollo Diablo, killed ten of his largest chickens.

One of the ten chickens

And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Don Q found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs.

The party became so famous, that Juan Bobo even held a press conference over it.

Juan Bobo PartyJuan Bobo announces his party

The party lasted till Saturday, Sunday or Monday – no one is really sure – but what happened there was reported in the San Juan Star, and became a legend throughout Puerto Rico.

Within two hours the party passed into legend. No one could ever give a better one. Such a thing would be unthinkable. Never in the history of Puerto Rico had there been so many fights.

Juan Bobo tried to stop it, but no one would listen. They just wanted to fight.

Juan bobo2“No mas!” said Juan Bobo

The Barónes grabbed Choco by the throat and demanded their money back. Pitrós heaved three Barónes through the front window. Perico sold bad drugs in the bathroom and they stuffed his head in a toilet. El Sapo flew out the front door. Wilson bit their pitcher’s ear. Flaco lost a tooth. No self-respecting man came out of that night without some glorious cuts and bruises. 

The women could not stop laughing. Oh, the laughter of the women!  Thin and delicate and sweet as spun glass, as they kicked whichever man happened to be down. A few ladylike shrieks of protest also fluttered down from the upstairs rooms.

But the party took a wrong turn, when the sheriff shot and killed Adam Clayton Powell VI.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

A new movie was released in Puerto Rico which revealed that Abraham Lincoln was a world-class vampire hunter, even during the Civil War. This was news to Juan Bobo – especially when schoolchildren started talking about it in McDonald’s, as though it had been actual history.

The kids didn’t question the existence of vampires – just the notion that Abraham Lincoln chased them around, on a horse, while passing Civil Rights legislation and conducting a war.

But then came the real shock. Some fake psychic in San Juan started calling himself “Abraham Lincoln, Ghost Hunter,” and cutting into Juan’s exorcism business. So just like Honest Abe, Juan went to war: he dressed up like Abraham Lincoln and embarked on a twelve-town “Freedom Tour.” 

Lincoln Bobo

 

In less than one month, Juan liberated hundreds of ghosts from their earthly bonds. He even recited the Gettysburg Address before killing each one.

Four score and seven years ago

I told these ghosts

To get the hell out of Puerto Rico

And just like that, Juan’s business was back on track. He was killing ten ghosts a day.

In Brazil, Paulo Coelho discussed the metaphysics of “killing” a ghost; in San Juan

and Ponce, the Walmart stores broke out a “Juan Bobo Ghostbuster” line of clothing.

Juan Bobo GSIJuan Bobo, Ghostbuster

Meanwhile Juan Bobo’s baseball team, the Criollos de Caguas, lost sixteen games in a row.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo and his

Star Player

After 521 innings, Juan Bobo was desperate to win the baseball game against the Barones de Barceloneta. Juan was tired of the opposing team manager, Adam Clayton Powell VI, who called a press conference every night for no apparent reason.
 

Powell press conference about something or other

He was tired of the Barones cheerleaders and their skimpy outfits, which kept distracting his first baseman.
 

The Barones de Barceloneta cheerleaders

Juan was definitely tired of the Barones’ 12-foot elephant, and the disrespect he showed toward the Criollos and their dugout.
 

The elephant undermines the Criollos’ morale

Finally, in the 522nd inning, the Barones looked like winners. They loaded the bases with no outs and Juan was finally going home…but then, all of a sudden, his centerfielder Papa Cool decided to become a hero.
Papa started running everywhere…he became a one-man outfield, caught everything left and right, dove for breathtaking shoe-stringers, speared fantastic catches over his shoulder, fielded infield grounders…and at one point, he charged a bunt for the force-out at home plate.
 

Papa Cool saves a home run

But finally with two outs, the Barones clean-up man belted a home run.
 
BOOM!
 
The ball soared high and deep into the foggy center field sky and Papa galloped after it like an African horse, legs pumping, every muscle straining, his black eyes popping even as he crashed through the center field wall and plummeted down a 25-foot embankment.
 

The hole where Papa crashed

Adam Clayton Powell VII charged out onto the field, howling and pumping his fist, until he saw that the stadium was still. The runners circled the bases in a strange, respectful silence. Everyone watched quietly as they found Papa Cool’s body, and hauled it back to the dugout on a stretcher.
 

Baseball huddlePapa Cool caught the ball, then died

Papa didn’t move. He wasn’t even breathing. A priest climbed down somberly to administer the Last Rites, and no one in the stadium stirred. The place was so quiet you could hear the priest’s every word.
 
“Blessed Father, I am here with Papa Cool, to unite his spirit with the passion of Christ, in the name of the father, the son, and…wait a minute…what the hell is this?”
 
Juan Bobo ran over as the priest opened Papa’s glove. “Ave Maria Purísima!” yelled the priest. “He caught it…he caught the ball!”
 
The priest waved the baseball and the stadium exploded. Six thousand fans screamed, Old Man Oye fainted, someone banged a Chinese gong, and a dozen kids leaped into right field waving their butterfly nets. A conjunto jumped onto the dugout and belted out a bachata.
 
And so after 522 innings the teams were still deadlocked – in the longest game in baseball history.
 
Juan Bobo started to cry.
 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club.

The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.

Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.  

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.

This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.

Juan's SpermJuan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.

Hijo de la gran puta!”

“Te corto la cara!”

“Dame mis chavos, maricón!”

A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 

istarWhere’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

The Elephant Arrives 

The Barones de Barceloneta arrived in Caguas with a marching band, ten cheerleaders, and a 12-foot African bush elephant.

The elephant marched down PR-95, where he backed up traffic for three miles. Even though he was the mascot for the opposing team, everyone wanted to touch the elephant.

The elephant marches down PR-95, which resembles Mumbai

When they arrived at the Caguas stadium the elephant reared up on its hind legs, then took the first ceremonial swing.

ElephantThe elephant takes the first swing

Juan Bobo didn’t appreciate this grandstanding by the visiting team, but he was ordered to keep his mouth shut. The elephant was bringing fans to the game.

However, when a stink rose from behind the Criollos dugout, Juan had had enough. He phoned the team owner to say “either the elephant goes, or I go.”  This was not a smart move on Juan’s part. 

The elephant undermines the Criollos’ morale

The elephant had doubled the stadium receipts – and so the team owner and the baseball commissioner quickly informed Juan that he could start packing, because the elephant was doing more for the team than Juan was.

The elephant was so popular, that next year the Criollos de Caguas were getting their very own elephant.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Dream Machine

Juan Bobo had another money-making scheme. He invented a machine that could record your dreams, and then play them back after you woke up.

He called it the “Dream Machine” and it was set up like this:

times

Here is how the machine worked: 

  1. Electrodes in the hockey helmet pick up alpha and beta brain waves during REM sleep
  2. The waves compress and decompress the carbon granules in a telephone (just like in a phone call).
  3. The changing resistance of the carbon granules flows out in a current to the short wave radio.
  4. The radio amplifies the current.
  5.  The TV turns the current into video images.

Juan didn’t tell anyone about it. He spent many nights alone in the basement, recording his dreams and adjusting the voltage.  

Juan Bobo Dream MachineJuan Bobo activates the Dream Machine

Juan electrocuted himself a few times, but it was a small price to pay for the advancement of science. The dreams provided a few shocks too, like the time he tried out for the Belgian synchronized swimming team.

Juan Bobo Swimming Team

After twelve years he was close to perfecting it. He just needed the images to come in a little more clearly, and then he would make a fortune.

Juan even had a deluxe “Dream Machine” marketing plan. For an extra two hundred dollars, you could buy the machine along with a Salvia Divinorum plant, for enhanced dream results.

It was like Viagra for your dreams.

Viagra for your dreams

Juan thought this was especially appropriate, since all the Viagra sold in North America (the U.S., Canada and Mexico) is produced in one factory in the town of Barceloneta, Puerto Rico.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Fifty Shades of Juan Bobo

One day, while the Criollos were losing by 13-2 to the second-worst team in the league, Juan Bobo caught his shortstop reading Fifty Shades of Grey in the dugout.  Juan fined him $100 and snatched it away.

It sounded like a book on interior decorating but, as he flipped through it, Juan became very disturbed.

Ai coño,” he said. 

The book was about spanking – Juan found this shocking, barbaric, and he had stopped doing it a long time ago. He refused to participate in any degradation of women, regardless of what his family said.

Juan’s great grandfather, Juan Bobo Camacho, built a cattle empire based on discipline and family values. 

Juan Bobo 1

His grandfather, the Rev. Bobo Bautista, performed 14 exorcisms and saved dozens of women from eternal damnation

Juan Bobo Spanking

Juan’s father was an accountant. He did the best he could. 

Juan Bobo Spanking 2

But Juan had put all this behind him. He threw away the book and gave it no further thought. Then a week later at LuisMuñozMarínAirport, Juan Bobo saw the graphic novel version of Fifty Shades.

Fifty Shades Of Juan Bobo

Juan bought the book and was shocked all over again. The story was poorly written, but the real problem was the spanking techniques. They were exactly the ones his father had used. Scene after scene – the entire book – was based on the Bobo spanking style.

This was too much for Juan. The Yánquis had stolen his island, his farm lands, heritage and history – and now the Bobo family spanking techniques. They sold 65 million books and gave nothing back.  So Juan sued Random House, and demanded some money for his baseball field.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo