Posts Tagged ‘PuertoRico’

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Trailer Park

NEW YORK, NY  – As part of his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo announced a revolutionary housing initiative for the people of  Washington Heights.

Bobo thrilled the crowd with a few card tricks, then yanked a tablecloth and revealed his ultimate miracle: a four-story, pre-fabricated trailer park.

“Now everyone in my district can own a dream home!” shouted Bobo. “Why should rich people have all the fun?” 

The Juan Bobo trailer park

According to Mr. Bobo, any registered Democrat will qualify for a trailer. All they have to do is vote for me.

“I’m bringing congress back to the people,” he said. “And the people want trailer parks.”

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

The Truman Assassination Attempt

On November 1, 1950, two men attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman. It was a desperate effort to turn the world’s attention to the U.S. colonial regime in Puerto Rico.

The attempt failed. Griselio Torresola was killed, Oscar Collazo was shot in the chest, and a policeman was killed.

For a one-sided newsreel about the assassination attempt, brought to you by the Liberty National Insurance Company, see here: 

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

 Pablo Casals

Pablo Casals was the pre-eminent cellist of the first half of the 20th century, and one of the greatest cellists of all time.

He made many recordings throughout his career, of solo, chamber, and orchestral music, also as conductor, but he is perhaps best remembered for the recordings of the Bach Cello Suites he made from 1936 to 1939.

Pablo Casals’ mother was from Mayaguez, Puerto Rico. He married Marta Montañez y Martinez, a Puerto Rican woman, and lived in Puerto Rico the last 17 years of his life. He made an impact in the Puerto Rican music scene by founding the Puerto Rico Symphony Orchestra in 1958, and the Conservatory of Music of Puerto Rico in 1959.

In 1956 he founded the Casals Music Festival, which continues to be held yearly in San Juan. Here is film clip, of Casals playing the Bach Suite No. 1:

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The Criollos de Caguas

Show Renewed Spirit

CAGUAS, PR  –  The new manager of the Criollos de Caguas, Mr. Juan Bobo, has already had a great impact. Within one week, the entire team has shown a great new competitive spirit.

They all look like winners. Here is their leadoff man, expressing his feelings about a pitch.

Here is their catcher, chasing a foul ball.

Baseball Catcher

Here is the bullpen, showing their support in between innings.

Here is the entire team, inquiring about sleeping accomodations during a double header.

Baseball Brawl

Juan Bobo clearly knows how to motivate a team. We can’t wait for the Puerto Rico winter league season to begin!

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas will continue on these pages.

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The Criollos de Caguas

CAGUAS, PR  –  In preparation for its 2014 season, the Puerto Rican winter baseball league just announced the new manager of the Criollos de Caguas.

As you may have guessed, the new manager is Juan Bobo. The outgoing manager, Adam Clayton Powell VII, was caught by surprise.

Surprised PowellPowell was surprised

According to Powell, “Juan Bobo is a fraud. He knows nothing about baseball. The only way he got this job, was by bribing people in Caguas.”

Santa BoboBobo bribing people in Caguas

Bobo’s first job will be to assist Don Q, the Criollos starting pitcher, with the rehabilitation of his right shoulder.

DrunkDon Q in rehab

Complete coverage of the Criollos de Caguas  and Don Q’s rehabilitation will continue on these pages.

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Cotto vs. Juan Bobo

YANKEE STADIUM   –  Here is the fight we’ve all been waiting for.

Juan Bobo lost a 12-round thriller to Miguel Cotto last year, but next month is the grudge match.

“I’m going to go Rambo on him,” said Juan, “and then I’m going to go Antonio Margarito.”    

bobo knock out punchThe 12th round of their previous fight

Though Cotto is a  28-1  favorite, Juan has been training in the Isla del Carajo gym…the most rigorous and spartan gym in the world.

Two world-class heavyweights have died in Isla Del Carajo, as a result of the brutal training methods employed by their staff.

Bobo's GymThe Isla del Carajo gym 

When asked his training regimen at Isla del Carajo, Juan said “they taught me how to kill my opponent.”

Juan Bobo then refused further comment. 

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Juan Bobo Develops

Anti-Aging Drug 

STATEN ISLAND, NY – Juan Bobo has developed a revolutionary Coquito drink.  It contains the usual rum, Coco Lopez and Carnation evaporated milk…but according to the Puerto Rican, it also contains “a Jack LaLanne Hormone which adds 30 years to your life.”

This claim was recently tested by Dr. Claire Richmond, Chief of Internal Medicine at Staten IslandUniversityHospital. Within ten minutes, Dr. Richmond performed a scene from Rocky and invested $200,000 in the Puerto Rican’s company.

Push Up GrannyThe Coquito works within minutes

Also skeptical was Prof. Tomás Morales, President of the College of Staten Island. After half a cup of Coquito, the professor performed handstands for nearly an hour.

Professor MoralesProfessor Morales points his toes

According to the Staten Island Advance, the Coquito formula is already under exclusive patent, and Bobo will be a billionaire within five years.

Juan Bobo drinks six glasses of Coquito a day. He was last seen doing 500 laps in the McBurney YMCA swimming pool.

Bobo Felps

 

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Juan Bobo Invades

Camp Chesterfield

As far as Juan Bobo knew, CampChesterfield was a high-security scientific research facility run by his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo. But when he arrived at the camp, Juan Bobo saw this:

Camp Cesterfield

The main entrance looked like this:

Juan walked in and saw a pet cemetery, a fairy trail, a fountain of memory, an inspiration stump, and a Trail of Religions with statues of ten religious leaders including Siddhartha, Lao Tse, Abraham, and Zoroaster.

The Trail of Religions

He saw a Mother Mary statue, a stone pyramid, a totem pole, eight wooden toads, a Buddhist named Quan Yin, and a glow-in-the-dark Jesus whose arms moved up and down.

Camp Chesterfield had twenty religions all piled on top of each other like a stack of pancakes. Somewhere in there, Juan Bobo sensed a metaphor.

The most baffling feature of the camp, was a spiritual chair in the middle of nowhere.

Juan Bobo didn’t last long in this camp. Due to some unfortunate events which were not his fault, Juan was encouraged to seek his fortunes elsewhere.

With two dead women behind him, and the police on his tail, Juan Bobo left Camp Chesterfield behind – and set out to discover America. 

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Doctor Virgilio Bobo

When Adam Clayton Powell VI was shot and killed, Juan Bobo left Puerto Rico in    a hurry.  He flew to America and looked up his uncle, Dr. Virgilio Bobo.

electric Bobo

Dr. Bobo was a genius. 

As Director of the Arecibo Radio Telescope, Dr. Bobo appeared in a James Bond movie, two horror films and numerous episodes of the X-Files. He was the extra-terrestrial consultant for the movie Contact. He even substituted for Leonard Nimoy in two episodes of Star Trek

Spock Bobo

The doctor also determined the  rotation rate of the planet Mercury, discovered the  first planets outside our solar system, found the first millisecond pulsar  (20 miles wide and spinning 642 times per second), and detected pre-biotic molecules in the galaxy Arp 220 which is 250 million light years away.

When he left Caguas in 1948, Dr. Bobo was only sixteen and already famous for his knowledge of short-wave radio technology. Now he was a world-famous astronomer, charting our universe as head of the Astrophysics Department at CornellUniversity, which owned the telescope.

So Dr. Bobo was a pretty smart guy.

The Arecibo radio telescope 

To protect his genius and the confidentiality of his findings, they even built a special campus for Dr. Bobo and his many assistants, called CampChesterfield.

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The Mother of All Parties

After 621 innings the Criollos de Caguas finally beat the Barones de Barceloneta, to win the longest game in baseball history.  As manager of the Criollos, Juan Bobo went one step further: he organized what, to this day, is the most famous party in Puerto Rican history.

The word went out immediately and preparations lasted for three days. Old Man Oye dusted his phonograph and picked out his loudest records. Mama Chema baked a tub of beans.  Pots of pork fried rice, basins of steaming shrimp, buckets of cuchifritos kept streaming into Juan’s house. Perníl Rivera, the owner of El Pollo Diablo, killed ten of his largest chickens.

One of the ten chickens

And then the wine came, gallons and gallons of it. Juan filled the washing machine with coquito. Don Q found a barrel of sugarcane rum, Choco found twenty cases of Corona, and a Budweiser truck delivered eight ice-cold kegs.

The party became so famous, that Juan Bobo even held a press conference over it.

Juan Bobo PartyJuan Bobo announces his party

The party lasted till Saturday, Sunday or Monday – no one is really sure – but what happened there was reported in the San Juan Star, and became a legend throughout Puerto Rico.

Within two hours the party passed into legend. No one could ever give a better one. Such a thing would be unthinkable. Never in the history of Puerto Rico had there been so many fights.

Juan Bobo tried to stop it, but no one would listen. They just wanted to fight.

Juan bobo2“No mas!” said Juan Bobo

The Barónes grabbed Choco by the throat and demanded their money back. Pitrós heaved three Barónes through the front window. Perico sold bad drugs in the bathroom and they stuffed his head in a toilet. El Sapo flew out the front door. Wilson bit their pitcher’s ear. Flaco lost a tooth. No self-respecting man came out of that night without some glorious cuts and bruises. 

The women could not stop laughing. Oh, the laughter of the women!  Thin and delicate and sweet as spun glass, as they kicked whichever man happened to be down. A few ladylike shrieks of protest also fluttered down from the upstairs rooms.

But the party took a wrong turn, when the sheriff shot and killed Adam Clayton Powell VI.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo