Posts Tagged ‘United States’

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Trailer Park

NEW YORK, NY  – As part of his congressional campaign, Juan Bobo announced a revolutionary housing initiative for the people of  Washington Heights.

Bobo thrilled the crowd with a few card tricks, then yanked a tablecloth and revealed his ultimate miracle: a four-story, pre-fabricated trailer park.

“Now everyone in my district can own a dream home!” shouted Bobo. “Why should rich people have all the fun?” 

The Juan Bobo trailer park

According to Mr. Bobo, any registered Democrat will qualify for a trailer. All they have to do is vote for me.

“I’m bringing congress back to the people,” he said. “And the people want trailer parks.”

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo History Lesson:

The Truman Assassination Attempt

On November 1, 1950, two men attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman. It was a desperate effort to turn the world’s attention to the U.S. colonial regime in Puerto Rico.

The attempt failed. Griselio Torresola was killed, Oscar Collazo was shot in the chest, and a policeman was killed.

For a one-sided newsreel about the assassination attempt, brought to you by the Liberty National Insurance Company, see here: 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Spermatozoon

Crosses the Rio Grande

Against his better judgment, Juan Bobo attended a baseball party at the Caguas Real Golf & Country Club.

The mayor of Caguas, the witch doctor of Guayama, and le tout Caguas were invited to this hot party.

Wave upon wave of partygoers jammed into the Rita Moreno Ballroom,  where the women swayed dreamily to Besame Mucho. El Gran Combo exploded into Amor Brutal and the party heated up fast.  

El Gran Combo sings Handel’s Messiah

Juan grabbed a Corona, retreated to a palm tree, and waited for disaster.

This party was a horrible mistake…the Yankees viewed Juan’s spermatozoa as a long stream of illegal immigrants, wading across the Rio Grande to take up residence (and collect welfare) in the United States. Even one spermatozoon was cause for alarm. And here comes Viagra, throwing a party for all of them.

Juan's SpermJuan’s spermatozoon

As if to prove Juan’s point, Adam Clayton Powell VI started to dance with Juan’s sister. Then he kissed her neck. Then he pinched her breasts.

Hijo de la gran puta!”

“Te corto la cara!”

“Dame mis chavos, maricón!”

A fight broke out between the Criollos and the Barónes, something about some fake jewelry. Juan had to run over and calm things down, take a knife out of Flaco Navaja’s hand, and get Choco safely out of the ballroom. 

istarWhere’s my stolen watch?!

By the time he ran back, Adam Clayton Powell VI and Juan’s sister were gone.

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Juan Bobo Falls Victim to

Creative Visualization

LONDON, U.K. – A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

The Puerto Rican found an abandoned copy of Shakti Gawain’s Creative Visualization on a New York City subway train.

He started to practice all the affirmations, meditations and Chakra exercises in the book.

He became particularly adept at the Pink Bubble Technique…where you surround your fantasy with a pink bubble, and let it go into the universe.

Juan Bobo became so good at it, that whatever he asked for, the Pink Bubble would get it for him.

Bobo gets a chihuahua

One night he got drunk and asked for something ridiculous.

He can’t remember what it was…but for the past three days, Juan Bobo has been floating over the Thames River.

Moon Leo

 

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Juan bobo

Judge Juan Bobo 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Juan Bobo has been appointed as a Federal judge, in the Southern District of New York.

His first case involved three thieving politicians from WashingtonHeights, who have been stealing from people for the last twenty years.

One of them is already in jail.

Judge Bobo

Bobo banged his gavel on all of them.

P’al carajo!”  he said, and sent them all where they belong.

3 amigos

 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

The Little Park of Memories

On the banks of the Rio Turabo, right near Juan Bobo’s house, there was a strange cemetery.

Juan called it the Little Park of Memories, but he never told anyone about it. He wasn’t sure anyone would believe him. He wasn’t even sure the cemetery even existed. 

The Little Park of Memories

Many of the gravestones told how the person had died, and the stories were most unusual.

Dylcia Pagán (1918-1962) had spontaneously combusted while eating a ham sandwich. Petra Allende (1929-1963) gave birth to twins with a pig’s tail. José Jimenez (1931-1970) kept repeating his name, five times a minute, for eight years. 

Jose Jimenez

Puchi Pirandello (1946-1976) burned down a post office. Sísifo de Corinto (1937-1984) became convinced that the same day was repeating itself over and over, and hung himself during a Reagan speech. 

HangingHung himself during a Reagan speech

Every night that he visited the cemetery, Juan would see a tiny green light on the far side of the Rio Turabo. It looked like a useless traffic light, granting some permission that no one had asked for, and nobody needed….certainly no one from the Little Park of Memories.

The next morning like every morning, the cemetery would disappear, the green light was gone, and Juan’s memories faded with the light of dawn. 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo and His   

Baseball Stadium

Criollos de Caguas had a very colorful baseball stadium.

Fifty skinny boys sat on the right field wall. They shimmied up a palm tree and waved dozens of broomsticks with butterfly nets on the end. They rarely got a ball, though. The Criollos de Caguas had not hit a home run in two years.

The field was full of holes, ruts, and countless other hazards. An ant colony wiggled under first base. Insects bigger than silver dollars bounced off the bulbs and zoomed around all the players. Two panels behind home plate were covered with cardboard. 

Out in right field, just below the butterfly nets, a sloping mound of red dirt served as the outfield fence and behind it (to keep out the boys) a twelve-foot wall of barbed wire topped a pile of garbage cans filled with broken beer bottles and a narrow hole, partially covered with Johnson grass, that was home to a rattlesnake.

The outfield snake 

Way out in left field lay Filadelfo the accordion player, wrapped in a tattered blanket, sleeping off a drunk. Filadelfo had toured with Mantovani, but now he played only one tune when intoxicated – En Mi Viejo San Juan. When very drunk he also remembered fragments of Mendelssohn’s Spring Song.

Filadelfo was the starting pitcher’s twin brother, and people often confused the two.

DrunkFiladelfo the accordion player 

The field was so run down, and the Criollos lost so many games, that people told Juan Bobo he should quit trying to manage them and find a real job.

But Juan loved baseball. It was a great game for redemption, since it was so full of failure. Just like life. 

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo Einstein 

NEW YORK CITY – The McCarthur Foundation has just conferred a genius grant on Juan Bobo.

For the next three years, he won’t have to do anything except lie around the house, and think up some stupid shit.

This is pretty much what he’s been doing all his life, except now he’ll get paid for it.

electric BoboOfficially a genius

Though still in hiding from the FBI, Mr. Bobo was able to communicate through a confidential source in East Harlem.

“I am happy to receive this grant,” he said. “And like all the other geniuses, I am honored to lie around the house, collect my grant money, and do nothing.”

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

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Juan Bobo’s Income Tax Tips

Part VIII

Juan Bobo has not paid any income taxes for the past 12 years.

All his tax strategies are legal, and Juan has never even audited.

Here are a few more tax tips from Juan:

INVENT A NEW PRODUCT and deduct all research & development expenses, including damage to your nose.

Juan Bobo Fork

BE THE ONLY HONEST LAWYER IN TOWN, and go broke when your clients leave you.

Juan Bobo Honest Lawyer

BECOME A PROPHET, gaze frequently into the sky, and deduct all your travel expenses.

Juan Bobo Prophet

OPEN A BAR IN WILLIAMSBURG and invite all your unpublished friends. You’ll go bankrupt in a week.

Juan Bobo 3

IF THE IRS EVER CALLS, tell them you’re clinically depressed.

Drunk

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo

Juan bobo

Juan Bobo’s Income Tax Tips

Part II

Juan Bobo has not paid any income taxes in 12 years.

In a completely legal manner, he has told the IRS to shove it since 2001.

Here are a few more of his techniques.

RUN FOR OFFICE and deduct every expense.

Juan Bobo Running for Office

BEATIFY YOURSELF and become immediately tax-exempt.

Juan Bobo Jesus

TURN INTO A PARAMECIUM. 

It is the only remaining species that the IRS does not pursue.

Paramecium

CLONE YOURSELF and, when the IRS audits you, go down there in triplicate. 

Juan Bobo Triplets

Stay tuned…Juan Bobo has more tax tips.

The Chronicles of Juan Bobo